I have been dreading telling my boss I needed more time off after the close to 3 weeks I took off in July/August for my last IVF cycle-merely because it’s in season and because, well… I don’t have any vacation time left to take.
My boss is 10 years older than me, and we’ve always had a good rapport-especially when he realized that I had a lot in common with his 10 year old son-we are both quite fond of potty humor. We crack jokes that I am sure would be considered not too PC and probably a little more on the risque side than what would fly in a corporate environment. However, the fitness industry is male dominated, and well I think all of those topics are heeelarious-so thats they way we role.
Turns out this is a good thing-as I just had the shortest meeting with my boss E.V.E.R. about my time off I need over the next 2 weeks that started with…
“Hey, you got a second, I need to have an awkward conversation with you about my vagina”…and it went something very similar to this (mostly I think because I used the word vagina which is, of course, shocking)….
Me (aka Obi Wan Jedi Vagina): [with a small wave of my hand] I don’t need to be at work for the next 2 weeks.
Storm trooper (aka my boss): You don’t need to be at work for the next 2 weeks.
Me aka Obi Wan Jedi Vagina: All of my clients, meetings and classes have been covered, Ill work from home and come in when I can.
Storm trooper aka my boss:All of your clients, meetings and classes have been covered, you can work from home and come in when you can.
Me aka Obi Wan Jedi Vagina: I can go about my business.
Storm trooper aka my boss: You can go about your business.
Me aka Obi Wan Jedi Vagina: Move along.
Storm trooper aka my boss: Move along… move along.
Me and my BFN pee stick
Strolling down the avenue
Me and my BFN peeeeee stiiiiiiiick
Not a soul to tell our troubles to
But when it’s twelve o’clock, we climb the stairs
We never knock, ’cause nobody’s there
Just me and my BFN pee stick
All alone and feeling blue.
For the past week I have incessantly replayed the following 4 songs on my IPOD while stuck in the car, and then as soon as I get in front of a computer, I pull them up and continue to listen to them while computing.
I have caught myself singing along to the lyrics without realizing what the f they mean. So just now, I pull the 4 songs lyrics up-and realize “holy good lord I am seriously conflicted.”
I have so much anger, rage, feelings of failure, frustration and fear that they seem to be all that I feel 24 hours a day, every day. But my sneaky, sneaky brain err heart I suppose, needs something else.
Judge for yourself, are these the 4 preferred tunes of a crazy, raging, really angry LuNaTiC?
Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don’t really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone
New names and numbers that I don’t know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We’re young enough to say
Oh this has gotta be the good life This has gotta be the good life This could really be a good life, good life Say oh, got this feeling that you can’t fight Like this city is on fire tonight This could really be a good life A good, good life
To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don’t know
Where I’ve been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado
Sometimes there’s airplanes I can’ t jump out
Sometimes there’s bullshit that don’t work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about
When you’re happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in
Oh this has gotta be the good life This has gotta be the good life This could really be a good life, good life Say oh, got this feeling that you can’t fight Like this city is on fire tonight This could really be a good life A good, good life
Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I’ll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I’m taking a mental picture of you now
‘Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about
Oh this has gotta be the good life This has gotta be the good life This could really be a good life, good life Say oh, got this feeling that you can’t fight Like this city is on fire tonight This could really be a good life A good, good life
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need To see me through
Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through
When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my saviour’s love is real
Your love is real
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
Time after time I think “Oh Lord what’s the use?”
Time after time I think it’s just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you loose
But you got the love I need to see me through
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
I feel sweet, do you feel sweet?
It’s amazing
I have no skin, and I feel everything
It’s amazing
I feel good, when you feel good
I knew I would
It’s amazing
I’ve wanted this for so long
Now the deed has been done,
We shall rise with the sun, we’ll spend our time as one
Now there is no sin, in anything
It’s amazing
I love life, I hope you do too
I love everything
It’s all amazing
I feel new, do you feel new?
I understand when they say we’re born again
‘Cause I’ve been born again
I’m born again
It’s amazing
It’s the best thing
It’s glorious, it’s life changing
This feeling is amazing
It’s the best thing,
it’s glorious, it’s life changing
This feeling
This feeling, whoa oh this feeling
Is amazing
It’s in the stars, in the sun
It’s everywhere and everyone
And it will be everyday
From now on, from now on
Now we are one,
and it’s amazing
It’s in the stars, in the sun,
It’s everywhere and everyone
And it will be everyday
from now on, from now on
Now we are one
And it’s amazing
It’s amazing
Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream he said
The one that makes me laugh he said
And threw his arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I’ll run away with you
I’ll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make him glow
Why are you so far away, he said
Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you
That I’m in love with you
You, soft and only
You,lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You’re just like a dream
You’re just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
So… what do you think??
I think not.
I also think my poor heart is sick of me-and trying desperately to get me to cut the shit.
I wish I could-so instead as I rage about my house when no one is home-I cry and sing along with these songs.
To my shock-there she was with a public wall for my viewing pleasure. Now before you go thinking I’m a stalker-yes, I did kind of stalk her-but merely to see if I could find out any likes because I want to give her a gift-so I was stalking out of good intent.
But it was me who got the gift!!!!!!!
What is on the Fabulous Nurses wall as her most recent post you might be wondering?????
“Fabulous Nurse has just added 17 new photos to the album DOUCHE NURSE IS GOING AWAY PARTY“
Upon further investigation of the comments on this album that immediately grabbed my interest, Fabulous Nurse writes…
“my friend DOUCHE NURSE is leaving NH to move to Charlotte NC- good for her, but sad for us!”
Well all I have to say to that is Good for me! Bad for all Charlotte NC patients!
Hoooray! And now time to celebrate with song and dance…
Ding Dong! The Douche is Gone. Which old Douche? The Wicked Douche!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Douche is gone.
Wake up – sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Douche is gone. She’s gone where the goblins go,
Below – below – below. Yo-ho, let’s open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong’ the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Douche is Gone!
Lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to take a minute today to tell you, I’m pretty fucking pissed off.
“Fight Club was the beginning, now it’s moved out of the basement, it’s called”…my life.
Douche Nurse (DN) bubbly yelling over my head in the lobby to the happy little couple as they were leaving the center proudly displaying their sonogram of their healthy 12 week in utero fetus: “Everything looks just perfect!! I hope you enjoy your first Happy Mother’s Day!”
DN (while holding the door open for me to head into the office): “Hi Brooke, How are you?”
Me: “That’s the single most inappropriate and compassion-less question to ask a woman who just witnessed yet another couple experiencing her dream when you know that she is currently miscarrying twins on her 4th failed pregnancy after 28 months of trying to conceive her first healthy take home baby.”
Me: “Why, would taking another meeting with her get me pregnant with a healthy baby that my body won’t reject any faster?”
DN: “Well no, but you know sometimes this just doesn’t happen for everyone, no matter how hard they try, and you might have to accept that reality.”
Yes ladies and gentleman-the nurse actually said those words to my face. Verbatim.
Me: on the verge of punching her in her face so I say through clenched teeth while squeezing the shit out of my stress ball to prepare for the hack job she’s getting ready to do on my veins because she is THE WORST blood drawer I have ever encountered in my 35 years of life… “Sometimes I find that the this place has the most insensitive and inept nurses I have ever encountered and I tend to leave here wondering how its possible that they are actually capable of dressing themselves and driving to work, never mind drawing blood and reading notes from doctors with such little apparent mental functioning. Tell me, did you actually complete schooling for this degree in douche baggery or is it something that comes naturally to those with very low IQ’s?”
DN: “Of course I went to school.”
Me: “I don’t care to talk to you any longer. Just take my blood and try not to leave a bruise covering my entire forearm like you have every single other time you’ve taken it over the past 8 months.
DN: keeping her mouth shut because she at least has enough intelligence to realize I’m fucking bullshit and fed up, she proceeds to fumble around on both of my arms looking for the most promising vein to destroy…
Me: to fill in the awkward silence and because I am not done being really angry yet-“Also, let Marcia know that I will email her this week the battery of diagnostic tests for recurrent peri-implantation pregnancy loss, you know, the ones I asked to have run on us last October and that I was told “no, there is no reason to do those tests.” I would like those complete before I meet with the doctor on the 16th so that we are actually able to have a productive meeting opposed to the current deny what the patient wants and sit around on our asses and wait plan you have me on.”
DN: “Oh well, we’ll have to wait until your beta test comes back to see if you are negative yet, and then start the count down because those types of tests can’t be done on you until you have been testing negative for pregnancy for at least 6 weeks.”
Me: “First off, no need to wait, I can tell you without a blood test that my beta is 5 or less-which is clinically not pregnant-and it has been since yesterday. So go ahead and jot that date down, not todays. Also try to remember when my results come back later today proving that I know, YET AGAIN, exactly what my beta number is without having my blood drawn, with 100% accuracy. And I’m sorry, but I simply don’t believe you know what you are talking about as far as the tests I want run. And I will no longer accept “No” as an answer when I ask for any diagnostic test. Your track record so far has proved that when it comes to knowing what’s going on with me and anticipating how I will respond, you are wrong every time, and I am right. I clearly understand that I am the patient, not the doctor, but trust me when I tell you there isn’t a soul walking this planet that will do the necessary research and advocate for my reproductive care half as well as I will. Because I know that at the end of each cycle when my husband and I are left devastated as I am flushing another failed implantation, time, and LOTS of money literally down our toilet, that the staff here are blissfully going about their happy little lives at home with their children. My failed cycle just means more of my money in your pocket because I will have to come back here again. I suspect if it were you crying on the toilet while you were bleeding out of your vagina for the 11th straight day we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
DN: “Look I understand…”
Me: “Stop. I don’t care what you think you understand, I’m telling you, you don’t. You have treated me in a manner that lacks compassion for the last time and I am done with you. I will correspond with Marcia directly and she will discuss what I want with my doctor.”
This time I stormed out of there. Learning from my last freak out, I let the auto door close this time. Then I kicked it. Then I left.
Yeah,yeah, I know-“it only takes just one egg good to make a baby”-trust me, I know this. And telling me this doesn’t increase my chances of believing it. I have yet to produce one good egg (and no less than 3 shitty unhealthy, heart breaking ones) to make a healthy baby, and sometimes I have even made multiple eggs in a cycle or had multiple embryos transferred to my pouch of death-but no matter what those eggs still end up in the Uohdee-so we have to account for that. While one egg may eventually turn out to be a healthy baby in most women-chances are pretty damn high each cycle with only 1 egg that I am not pregnant-and that’s my reality.
Seeing that we fell far short of the original 3-5 follicles for this IUI cycle by only producing 1 egg, I am spending this 2 week wait (that will end Sunday the 24th) mentally preparing myself for the big, sticky, shit tasting, IVF pill that I have at least an 85% chance of having to swallow.
If someone told me I had an 85% chance of winning the lottery in 2 weeks, you bet your ass I would buy a shit ton of tickets and spend the next 2 weeks planning on what I am going to do with my winnings-so this is essentially no different.
Pessimistic you say? I don’t think so, nor does Mr. Halpern … “No, I’m not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain’t shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist.”
I am also bracing for impact as well because I have agreed to take progesterone during this 2 week wait, which makes me feel like I am pregnant even though I’m not, hormonally raging, extremely hungry and once I stop taking the progesterone (because most likely I won’t be pregnant in 14 days) it sends me spiraling through the 18 levels of depressive hell-oh and the zits are just incredible too. On the upside the day I fly out for a week vacation I will know if I am pregnant so I will at least be able to spiral through hell completely shit faced, while in 85 degree sunny weather and in the company of Christine, her husband and my husband so I couldn’t have planned to fail any better.
I have my marching orders for IVF cycle #2 which will start when my period shows up in 2 weeks…and loosely lined up looks like:
Blood work on May 18th
Lupron injections nightly May 19-May 27
Blood Work to check suppression, if ovaries are nice and suppressed
Begin nightly injections of Gonal F May 28-June 10 (possibly longer depending on follicles)
Trigger hCG shot June 11, Egg Retrieval 36 hours later, Blastocyte Transfer 5 days after retrieval.
lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. Please let there be good news tomorrow and let me finally be pregnant this cycle with a healthy take home baby.
The Field of Dreams. Great movie, right? Right! So many memorable quotes!
And now of course, The Field of Dreams as adapted by me…
So far that hasn’t been the case.
Instead I have found that if you push it-you will be taunted by surrounding drunkards and have the aftermath send you spiraling through the 18 layers in hell (not to be confused, of course, with the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest that Buddy the Elf went through).
So let me explain…a month ago we happened to be out in public (gasp!), with many of our friends (double gasp!!). I know it’s shocking to believe, but I was! And at a very large Medieval Times Winter Carnival Parade with a couple bunches of our friends scattered about the length of the parade. We were also with friends who have a beautiful 2 year old girl and her stroller in tow, which was conveniently housing our beverages while she was being held by her dad for better parade viewing.
To say it was jammed and busy along the very tight side walks with insane snow banks everywhere would be an understatement, so moving from point A to point B became tricky due to waiting for an opening in the crowd big enough so that we could pass through. We had become separated from my husband and a group of his friends that had some small kids with them and a better view of the upcoming horses. So without any other thought in my mind other than to help get everyone rallied, while the parents of this beautiful girl were occupied with her, I opted to grab a hold of the empty stroller cooler and essentially break a trail for all of us.
As I charged ahead using the stroller to clear a path in the crowd-a very large, very drunk man dressed as a Knight hollered as I passed him ” Hey lady, your missing your baby!!” Somehow even intoxicated, without missing a beat-my mouth opened and “No shit asshole, and you have no idea how much it fucking sucks” shot out. I think I made it maybe 5 more feet before yet another drunkard, this time dressed in hunting attire (not even going with the theme you jerk off) proceeds to ask me “Hey what’s the hurray? You’re baby is gone!” “Actually not just one baby, but two babies are gone and the hurray is I’m not getting any younger you dickwad, now get out of my way!”
And of course as I pull up with the stroller on the verge of rage tears in front of my husbands friend who just had baby number 3 (healthy girl, with a brain and everything) and who knew #1 how much I want to be a mom, #2 how much my husband wants to be a dad, #3 about our loss last January #4 about our struggles with infertility and IVF and #5 about our miscarriage in December-immediately looks at the empty stroller and then at me with utter confusion and asks “so what’s with the stroller?”
So happy that my jester mask covering my face hid my tears as they slid down my cheeks I replied “It’s the stroller of dreams, I am hoping if I push it while being taunted by everyone around me, a healthy baby will come-but this time to ME.” She looked horrified, which of course was exactly what I was going for (again a sign that I’m just not right) and when my husband leaned over and asked what was going on, I turned to him and responded…
“It’s ok honey, I was just talking to the cornfield ah, errr I mean stroller.”
In the field of dreams they said that if you believe the impossible, the incredible can come true.
How right they were. At this point, that is exactly how the idea of having just one healthy baby in my arms feels-absolutely impossible.
I don’t need a whole field of dreams-just one incredible one.
To know me is to respect the fact that I think things are funny. It is only lately that humor has been hard to find. But even in my darkest days-sardonic humor has been my friend. I can almost find humor in everything.
Especially potty humor, double entendre’s and Will Ferrell….
Good day, America. I am presently at war. I am engaged in a deadly stand-off with an Axis of Evil. You know who I’m talking about – My Uterus of Death, My Reproductive Endocrinologist, and one of the Koreas.
But my Axis of Evil doesn’t seem to interest most people out there. Some people just want to talk about their pregnant bellies, and newborns, and how easy they got pregnant with their healthy baby. I bet most of you out there don’t even understand how easy you got pregnant with your healthy baby. I sure as heck don’t! It hurts my head to think about it. So, from now on, people who get pregnant easily with a healthy baby will be part of my Axis of Evil. I don’t want to hear anything else about people who get pregnant easily, unless our military has pounded them into submission. So, look out, you easily pregnant women with healthy babies – you’re now part of the Axis of Evil!
So is Cigna Health Insurance. I don’t like the way Cigna is acting; not very American, it’s evil! Cigna is now a part of my Axis of Evil.
Also, I don’t like the nursing staff at my RE’s office. You know why? They are insensitive, compassion-less douche bags. You know where that leads them? You got it. They’re now part of the Axis of Evil.
So, quick recap – that’s Uohdee , My RE, people who get pregnant easily with healthy babies, Cigna and the nursing staff… and one of those Koreas. They all form a terrible Axis of Evil, standing in the way of all that I as a Female value.
And my husbands co-worker’s wives who love to give me advice on how to get pregnant. They don’t like me saying anything about my “Axis of Evil”, so guess what? They’re now a part of the very same Axis of Evil that they don’t like me saying. How do you like them apples, ladies? Next time, you keep your mouth shut. You mess with Brooke, and it’s straight to the Axis of Evil, got it?
Germany, Italy, Japan – they were the original Axis of Evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn’t. They’re back in!
Here’s one you probably didn’t expect – my husband. Now, he’s up to something, and I don’t like it! He’s never around. If I’m in the bedroom, he’s not. If I’m in the living room, no where in sight. He’s very sneaky; not to mention, gassy. I’m putting him in the Axis of Evil – for now.
Evil Knievel’s going in the Axis of Evil – but that’s a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil? No; he makes me laugh, so he’s out.
So, you see, America? There’s nothing to fear. Everything’s fine. Don’t listen to what those nurses say. Why? Because they like math, and math is very much a part of my Axis of Evil.
If you are currently trying to figure this post out, then our humor might not be quite the same-you will have to watch this 3 minute clip before you can totally understand what the heck I am blogging about here.
If you get me and love Will’s days on SNL, you’ll also love the clip too!