“No, I’m not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain’t shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist.”
–Mr. Halpern
27 Sunday Jun 2010
Posted Musings
in“No, I’m not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain’t shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist.”
–Mr. Halpern
25 Friday Jun 2010
Posted Musings, Rage Ramblings
inI have prayed for help, begged for help and made pretend like I don’t need help over the past year and a half, none of which have been successful in getting the help I need.
I now believe it is because there is no help to be had. This isn’t a help sort of thing I guess. So now-I am going with luck. It certainly would explain a lot and quite possibly make me not be so riddled with self doubt, if indeed it is all just luck. Otherwise how do you explain it?? I mean seriously, I can’t tell you how many people have told me that “when it is meant to be it will be.” Or, “god has a plan for you,” you just have to have faith that he knows best.
I am now calling BULLSH*T on both of these hair brained hypotheses. So let me get this straight-applying your “logic” I am to believe that I am currently not “meant to be” a mom? Really? Then why do crack addicts have babies? Why do teens get pregnant only to abort them? Really, a crack addict is meant to have a baby?? Really? In what twisted world should that be “meant to be” while someone who desires a baby, is ready for a baby, is taking every vitamin under the sun to make a healthy baby gets either a baby with no brain or no baby at all month after month? Hmnnnn, this just isn’t logical to me. So I am ruling out the “meant to be” hypothesis on the grounds that it is bullsh*t.
Now on to the because it’s “god’s plan” hypothesis. Am I to infer that god is sending me the subtle message that I shouldn’t quit my day job? Or better yet, that I am not worthy of becoming a mom? I can’t think of a single good reason to put me through what I have been through that can make me feel like it is part of a well choreographed master plan. I am not learning any additional life lessons here. Trust me if there was anything good to be gotten out of the traumatic experience I have gone through-it isn’t any better learned month after month with still no baby on board. I again can think of a slew of reasons why “god’s plan” is not the answer. Especially when one reads news articles about a woman, her infant and her boyfriend-who god’s plan was for her to give birth to a healthy baby, bring it home and then have the boyfriend shake and beat the baby to death. Really, god’s plan? Sick plan man. Sick plan. There are just too many of these messed up plans out there, which all support a solid debunking of the “god’s plan” hypothesis.
It all has to be luck. A homeless person can win the lotto, a drug addicted woman can sell her body for drugs and make a perfectly healthy baby, incredible young people loose their lives daily while idiots roam the streets not adding anything to this world and die peacefully in their sleep in their 90’s. Luck. Each and every aspect of one’s life is luck. Apply all of the above scenarios to the luck hypothesis, and they all work. You can’t disprove luck-so it is still in contention.
I have thought a lot about luck’s existence over the past 2 weeks. After an exhaustive internet search on both luck and good luck charms, there is no legitimate yes or no answer. There have been studies that have shown interesting things though. Just by carrying a good luck charm, people felt their good luck had increased 30%. That was enough for me, end search. I have found something that will make me feel that my good luck has increased by 30%? I’ll take it.
To help make sure that this good luck charm brings me luck in what I really want as opposed to something stupid like, not stepping in a large wad of gum-a little more internet research provided me with exactly what I was looking for…
Horseshoe: #1 ranked most recognized symbol of good luck. Protects and brings good fortune.
Rose Quartz: Brings healing and clarity to the heart, balances emotions and heals emotional wounds. It is especially powerful in times of stress or loss. Its energy takes away fears, resentment and anger. Increases fertility.
Moonstone: Mother Goddess stone. Balances internal hormone cycles, helps healing of reproductive disorders and brings good luck.
Dumortierite: Restores emotional balance by helping with stubbornness and patience.
Aventurine: All purpose healer. Initiates a deep purification of your physical body, especially the vital organs. It high lights and purifies the organ with the most limitations and greatest weaknesses. Helps to enhance fertilitity.
Since it is imperative that I really give this “luck” hypothesis a solid test-I have found a way to combine all of the above elements into a good luck charm. Luckily (no pun intended) I am crafty. So I constructed this:
The green is Aventurine, the blue is Dumortierite, the white is Moonstone, and a rose quartz is attached to the horseshoe.
Since I am unclear on the rules of how lucky charms actually work-I will carry them on me 24/7 until furter notice!
Please wish me luck. I need it!
17 Thursday Jun 2010
Me, the LuNaTiC, to P the incredibly understanding husband:
Subject: trying to pull me down off the ledge?
Were you concerned that you had a jumper on your hands?
Thank you for the card and flowers. I’m sorry I am so miserable. I wish I could just snap out of this, but I sadly seem to just be getting worse. I am not ever unaware of how much you love me, and how much I mean to you. I am just really struggling right now because I want nothing more than to give you a family, and month after month I feel like I am failing miserably. Especially after last month with the doctors telling me there is nothing wrong-I guess I just thought this would finally be our month.
But as it gets closer to the day where I should have been a mom and I realize that not only am I not a mom to a healthy daughter, but not even pregnant-the more insanely frustrated I become. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me simultaneously want to cry and beat the crap out of something.
I feel like a complete LuNaTiC.
I just want the memory of this whole thing erased from my brain so that we can go back to the way things were before the rug was ripped out from under us. Blech. Argggh!
Even completely miserable, I still love you very much and feel thankful that I have you.
P, the incredibly understanding husband, to me the LuNaTiC:
Subject: RE:trying to pull me down off the ledge?
No – I had actually picked up the card last week, but never had an opportunity with everything going on to give it to you. I picked up the flowers yesterday because I knew you were having a rough time – just wanted to tell you how much I love you.
This whole thing does suck babe, but please never forget that we do have a family – no matter what size (or how much fur certain members may have).
Love you
It is sometimes quite easy to lose sight of things when you are in the bottom of a dark pit. With flying fists of fury down there in this lousy pit, I am so busy flailing about that I forget to stop and simply just reach out my hand.
In the bottom, surrounded in the darkness there are so many hands just waiting to hold mine to give me comfort. Today I sit there in the dark, but instead of flailing, with a strong firm hand wrapped around mine.
15 Tuesday Jun 2010
Posted BFN, Natural Cycle, Rage Ramblings
in03 Thursday Jun 2010
Posted Rage Ramblings
inThere is nothing like the helpless floundering feeling of waiting.
I am a goal oriented person. Eye on the prize. I like to know what the prize is, and then immediately craft an efficient plan in order to get from where I am now, to the prize, in the fastest most close to perfect way possible.
I am actually quite good at this. Independent problem solver/plan maker is me. Ask for help with my plans? Hell no. Growing up in a large family you quickly realize if you do indeed need help, you ain’t never getting to that prize ’cause there is no help to be had. Needing help not only slows you down so that you are waiting, but it also tries your patience, which I don’t have any of. So the path to the prize has to not only be fast (please refer to my previous post about my lack of patience) but one that can be done by myself. What if this means that the path to the prize is a bit harder because I need to flounder about in order to figure out how to do something on my own? No problem, I know that evil. The evil I know is better than the evil I don’t know. I would rather know I am complete control over the situation than to be sitting around waiting for someone else who supposedly knows how to do it, help me, only to realize once they do help me that it doesn’t meet the ridiculous high standards that I have.
Today I am changing this rule that I have lived by. I have floundered so much over the past year and change that I am exhausted all the way through my soul. I have no faith in hope. I have no ability to believe that good things can happen. I am a broken and desperate woman.
“Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me. Help me, Oprah Winfrey!”
Clearly I have not been capable of crafting a plan that will get me to the ultimate goal of giving birth to a healthy baby on my own, and I am desperate for some help. With minimal waiting, and of course extremely high work quality standards.