It doesn’t come from within-at least not anymore. Somewhere over the last year of my life I have lost the ability to be strong on my own. At first I thought I was bad ass. Hard as nails-I can handle this, if I could make it growing up with my background-I can do this on my own too.
As usual when it comes to this-I was wrong.
I wasn’t prepared for this-really-who could be?? It has been far too long with too many battles, countless knock downs and heart break to actually have enough strength on my own to stay standing upright-let alone brace for impact of the next blow.
Over the past 12 months I have had the support of a group of women who all have 1 thing in common-we have all had our pregnancy bliss forever ripped away when we found out that we would never get to hold or bring our first baby home. Now we are all on the same incredibly scary journey of trying to becoming a mom, while struggling with our losses and new place in life that we just don’t seem to fit into anymore, while battling through to the destination of our first healthy take home baby. It is a destination that so many women take for granted which is a hard pill to swallow when our darkest fear is that we will never become a mom. It is this tie that binds, and it binds unlike anything I have ever experienced before.
It is because these women (in addition to my best friend Megan) hold me up, that I have strength enough to stand. Daily, weekly, monthly-even hourly- these women are here for me.
January 12th- a date that I will always wake with a heavy heart, I immediately found strength when I thought for sure I would have none-because these images in remembrance of Ava had been sent to my phone…
And these messages were in my mail…
Meg: “Dear Brooke, I’m thinking of you today for many reasons. I’m thinking how of all the days available in the year for you to be having the FET procedure, it is happening this day. I imagine that this is a bittersweet day and I am hopeful that this time a new and healthy life will take hold within you. I know that you’ve got a guardian angel on your side this time working her little magic for you and I hope it’s enough.
I hope, I hope, I hope.
and I love.”
Christine: “I give thanks to Ava and Lucas everyday for this! Our friendship is one that is so unique and special and I cherish it more than words can even describe! My candle is lit for Ava as well and will be burning bright all day! I am sending positive thoughts your way Brooke, and also praying that 1.12 becomes a day of hope for you! XoXo”
Anelise: “I was thinking of precious Ava, those two little embys, Paul, and most of all – YOU today.”
Alison: “Brooke – I wanted to let you know that I will be thinking of you, your husband, and your precious Ava tomorrow. I hope that 1.12 can become a day of hope rather than a day filled with a reminder of sorrow. Best of luck to you, my friend!”
Ashly: “Brooke- Ava will have her candle lit in my home tomorrow. I know it’s not much, but I hope you know I’m thinking of her. My thoughts and heart is with you and Ava tomorrow and maybe everyday I have found. Please know that we would do anything for you! xx”
Sara: “Brooke – I will be thinking of you and Ava tomorrow.”
Jennie: “Brooke – thinking of you and Ava today.”
Sarah: “Good luck, Brooke! And happy birthday in heaven to little Ava.”
Jen: “Brooke – you, Ava and DH are in my heart today. I will light a candle in her honor this evening. “
Stacy: “Brooke – Thinking of you and your angel Ava today.”
Anna: “Brooke – Sometimes life is just fucking unbelievable. You can’t make that stuff up. I will be thinking of you and wishing I could be right next to you for support this week.”
Lisa:”I will be lighting a candle for Ava tomorrow … Many hugs to you”
Lola: “Brooke, I have a candle lit for Ava today. Hugs!”
And when I finally arrived home, these…
I am standing strong,
because these women hold me up.
Thank you. Every last one of you.
It is because of you that I hope. I hope. I hope. and I love.