Over the last 4 weeks I have spent 31 hours of my time in doctors offices, 23 hours of my time on the phone with Cigna Tele-drug to ensure the drugs will be delivered in time, $5800 in drugs, $2200 out of pocket for co-pays and had 2 grade A embryos put in my uterus only to have all of it– literally–all of it flushed right down the…
I am now scheduled for a hysteroscopy Monday at 12pm at the Brigham and Womens Hospital.
Yep, you read that right. That’s THIS Monday-11/22. Not 2 weeks from this Monday or a month from this Monday. Funny how all of a sudden there is a hole in the doctors schedule even though I was told by 8 different people that there is just no way any one of the 10 doctors had even a minute to spare in order to see me before December.
It truly is who you know.
I told you I’m not going to take this.
In my daily life-I attempt to do as much good as humanly possible through my profession. It is how I have become so good at what I do, because all I want to do is help people feel better, be more fit and not loathe having to come into a gym in order to do so. I am extremely lucky (thank you Dad for helping me make the decision to take this job 5 years ago) to be working where I work because the members of this Athletic Club aren’t your average every day joes and janes. They are big players-and by big-I mean global big, not just for the town of Boston big. They are the type of people who have the ability to give big to charity, who brush elbows with and have done favors for other big people along the way. These members, some who have become long standing clients and thus friends of mine, are very much like me-they want to do good only they do so with the extra money they have made through their endeavors.
It was because of where I work that I met my on this planet guardian angels. These angels have been with me every step of the way for the past 4 years, advising me, encouraging me, and simply being there to prop me back up after I’ve been knocked down by one of life’s blows because they are grateful for what I have done for their whole family while working with them and because they are just salt of the earth good people. While they have offered many times in the past to help me when times have been tough-I have always graciously turned down any offers because I felt that I can’t return the favor because what they offer is always just so big.
Last January, this family knew what my husband and I were going through and they were as devastated by the loss of our pregnancy as we were. Knowing that there was nothing they could do to help ease our pain, they were simply there for me-quietly behind the scenes. I could feel their support, and because my mother is no longer alive, and both of my husbands parents are also deceased-it was much needed support during such a rough time.
The morning after I lost our baby girl, in the darkest most black place I have ever been in my 35 years of life-the son and daughter of this family sent a bouquet of flowers and simply stated:
“We are devastated, please know that we are here for you-always.”
Of all of our friends and family that were aware of our loss, this family was the only one who sent flowers or a card while I was home from the hospital. This family also assumed that there was a serious financial burden on us due to the hospital bills and testing (without ever being told or asking). So three months after our loss, for our first wedding anniversary, they set us up with a week long vacation to the Turks and Caicos in a house that you would see on the front cover of a luxury homes magazine. We will never forget the incredible support and love this family has given us along the way.
And their support, it simply never stops. This family-they stepped in without even being asked when they found out I was unable (after of 4 days of phone calling to Brigham and Womens Hospital) to arrange an appointment to be seen earlier than December 13th-and asked if I would mind if they called a member of the board of directors at BWH who owes them a favor.
So in my desperation-I have gone ahead and done something that I typically would not EVER do. After digesting the idea of waiting 5 weeks until I can even discuss the option of hysteroscopy, I have decided to use a life line offered by a friend.
My answer to her question of calling in a favor this time was not “That is so amazingly generous, but no it’s okay, I’ll figure this out.”
This time-because I refuse to take it any more, as my eyes welled up with tears, I said “yes, please.”
I am actually so upset by what happened last week that it has taken me over a week to even be able to blog about how my cycle wrapped up and where I am right now.
I just refuse to do this wait.
I so refuse to do this wait, that by typing about this appointment and my wait, it makes me feel like I am agreeing to it. I’m not going to take this. I flat out refuse to take this on the grounds that I have taken too much already. And just like twisted sister, I’m not going to take it, oh no, I’m not going to take it, I’m not going to take it anymore.
Please keep the above in mind as you read the following from my appointment…
On Monday November 8th I went in to the center at 7am to inform the nurses that I wasn’t pregnant and have a blood test anyways-just to confirm.
Nurse: So do you have a feeling either way?
Me: Yeah, I am pretty sure I’m not-being that you made me wait until I was 16dpo to give me a beta blood test when most places bring you in at 12-13dpo. I’ve been testing with the super sensitive tests since last week and there’s nothing showing on them-not even a hint of something, and as a matter of fact even with all the progesterone and estrogen I am on right now, I am spotting today.
Nurse: Oh, you’re probably right, but we have to do this blood test to confirm. If you are right, then the team will review your case and I’ll call you next week (keep in mind it’s MONDAY AT 7AM) to tell you what the next cycles plan is-but most likely they will want to do another round of IVF even though you have 2 frozen embryos.
Me: Ummmmmmm. What?
Nurse: Well I can’t say for sure, but that is usually what happens with patients similar to you.
Me: Excuse me, I might actually throw up. Are you serious? I have absolutely NO interest in proceeding with more drugs over another 6 weeks, then the actual retrieval and transfer when I just paid $800 to cryopreserve not 1 but 2 grade A perfect 8 cell embryos. Not to mention the fact that I would prefer to have the doctor look inside my uterus to confirm there are no polyps, scar tissue from the surgery in January or anything else going on in there that actually prevented the 2 perfect embryos that were just placed in my uterus 2 weeks ago from implanting.
Nurse: Oh, well if that’s how you feel-I can’t do anything right now. The doctors are all backed up due to some
bullshit lie to cover the fact that they are on vacations for thanksgiving conferences. The earliest Dr. Ginsburg will be able to meet with you to discuss and further diagnostic exams will be December 13th.
Me: Seriously? You’re joking, no? Tell me you’ve got some cameras hidden up in there and I am on candid camera right now. 5 weeks? That’s your standard for meeting with your doctor once you have gone through an IVF cycle that didn’t result in pregnancy when I had a 60% chance of being pregnant?? You do realize that’s not just one full cycle of waiting but 2-and that’s only to “meet” not to have anything done. 12 days before Christmas??? I know what that means you know, we’re talking January at best before something is done. This is not ok.
Nurse: We will put you on the call list for cancellations, but honestly the next time she is up here is the 13th of DECEMBER. That’s the best we can do right now. Until we get your blood test back, we can’t do anything-because you *might* be pregnant.
Me: (Welling up with tears of frustration-that make me even more angry because now I look like a cry baby when really I am bullshit and just about ready to throw something across the office or set the place on fire) You and I both know that I have a better chance of monkeys flying directly out of my ass than being pregnant right now-or any time in the forseeable future based off of what you’ve just told me.
Nurse: (Ignoring my outburst) I’ll call you by lunch time with your results.
She did call by lunch and did tell me that I wasn’t pregnant-and also confirmed that I could meet with the doc on Monday morning December 13th to discuss my wishes for a hysteroscopy.
I’m telling you-that this 5 week wait is unacceptable, and I will not take this.
(and most of you do) that 10 months after our loss, 8 cycles of trying to conceive since (2 were with clomid and IUI’s, 1 with clomid, injectable FSH and an IUI and one cycle of IVF) that we would be knocked up right now…
And since there is nothing else I can take out this frustration on….
At least it stop telling me that I’m “not pregnant” after a couple whacks with the hammer, I guess that’s something.
On days 0-3 the embryo is growing in the petri dish and at 3 days it is placed inside the uterus. Once inside the uterus if the embryo is going to turn into a pregnancy the following is happening with roughly this timeline:
Wednesday 10/27…Embryo is growing and developing
Thursday 10/28… Embryo is now a blastocyst
Friday 10/29…Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
Saturday 10/30… Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
Sunday 10/31.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
Monday 11/1… Implantation process continues and blastocyte is now a morula and buries deeper in the lining
Tuesday 11/2… Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
Wednesday 11/3…Placenta cells begin to secrete hCG in the blood
Thursday 11/4…More hCG is produced as fetus develops (home pregnancy test may be faint +)
Friday 11/5…More hCG is produced as fetus develops (home pregnancy test may be faint +)
Saturday 11/6…hCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on a home pregnancy test.
If I am pregnant from this IVF cycle then without a doubt I should be seeing even a faint line on a home pregnancy test by this Saturday. The above time line is based off the average day a woman implants and tests positive on a test, not off of someone who has had assisted hatching (makes implantation possible a full day earlier) and 2 embryos (double the hCG production if both have implanted).
So chances are very high that I could have tested positive as early as yesterday-although that was clearly not the case for me. Here’s to hoping that those embryo’s (now supposedly morulas) are just being average and that another line will soon be visible on these damn test strips!
6am– at 10 days past ovulation the home pregnancy test this morning was a blaring negative.
8:15am-the doctor’s office called, cryopreservation of our 2 embryo’s is not covered, please give us $800 immediately.