While our beta is still increasing, it is still far lower than where it should be and it has now finally gotten to the point where its taking longer than it should to double…
Today I am 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a beta of 1980hcg. I officially made the cutoff and have been allowed to schedule an ultrasound for Friday morning when I will be exactly 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.
I am still quite concerned that our ultrasound on Friday will look something like this:
Rather than what we should see if everything is ok in there which would be a gestational sac, with a blob in it, that has a fetal pole that shows some sort sporadic cardiac activity similar to this:
And since there is no way in hell I can make it 4 more days peeing on and staring at sticks-I was granted another beta on Wednesday, and because I am a neurotic freak who is concerned that my beta still hasn’t caught up and that my doubling times seem to be consistently increasing now, I most likely will go before the ultrasound on Friday and have ANOTHER beta done.
Rational? Nope. Necessary? Yup, you bet.
I’m so afraid to have hope, but the longer this goes on unchecked-the harder it is to stop my brain from dabbling in the thought that I might actually get to keep him (omg, did I just type that? I honestly have no idea what that would feel like. The thought of actually being a mom to a living baby is such a stretch that I just laughed OUT LOUD at that idea-like it was a big joke)…but it is that thought that will eventually seep in and be the cause of all the heart wrenching, devastating, horrific new lows if in the end, I don’t get to keep him.
Trust me, I wish this wasn’t my reality. But it’s much easier to move on with your life after a miscarriage (never mind 6 losses) if there never was a moment during the time you could make 2 lines on a pregnancy test that you actually thought you were going to be able to keep that baby. I want nothing more than to have my ignorant pregnancy bliss back-but instead, I’ll just keep getting betas and wondering how much longer I will get to be pregnant.
After my 5th time being pregnant with a low and slow rising beta that brought me through repeat beta limbo hell while staring at stupid pee sticks wondering if the level was holding, rising or falling based solely on the color of the damn line and all of which ended in miscarriage I stumbled upon this…
“The Detect5 Progressive Pregnancy Test is an
exciting (very heart wrenching especially when you are testing positive on the 100hCG strip and expecting a beta over 100hcg- because of this damn test- when you go in for your beta 24hours later only to be told your beta is 49) innovation in home pregnancy testing. By measuring 5 different levels of the pregnancy hormone (hCG) on one test stick, Detect5 provides you with a more complete picture of your hCG status than has ever before been available in a non-clinical setting.”
How is Detect5 different from a “regular” home pregnancy test?
Traditionally, home pregnancy tests (HPTs) have performed one simple, yet important, task: a HPT will tell you if the levels of pregnancy hormone (hCG) in your urine are above or below a single established threshold (typically about 8 hCG). If your level is determined to be above that threshold, a positive result is displayed and you can safely assume that pregnancy has been achieved. For example, a pregnancy test calibrated to detect 8 miu/ml hCG will yield a positive result when hCG levels in the urine exceed the 8 miu/ml level, and it will yield a negative result at levels below that threshold.
In short, a traditional home pregnancy test will tell you if you are pregnant – but nothing more. In the above example, a woman with a urine hCG level of 50 miu/ml will receive the same result as a woman with a urine hCG level of 50,000 miu/ml – two lines on a pregnancy test.
In contrast, the patented Detect5 Pregnancy Test is designed to provide you with a more comprehensive picture of your urine-based pregnancy hormone status. Detect5 actually consists of 5 different pregnancy tests on one test stick, wherein each of the tests is calibrated to a different sensitivity level of the pregnancy hormone, hCG. The five levels tested for with Detect5 are:
25 miu/ml (shows a faint pink but very visible line at 30 hCH):
100 miu/ml (shows a faint pink but very visible line at 30 hCH):
500 miu/ml (shows a faint pink but very visible line at 400 hCG):
Again-an untweaked photo showing that this test strip absolutely has a second line and thus according to detect5 I am currently at 2000 miu/ml of hCG. HOWEVER being that not one of their previous levels have been accurate-I am going to guess that I am probably more like 800-1000hcg on my beta test tomorrow.
10,000 miu/ml– I didn’t even bother dipping this level yet based on the barely there line from today’s 2000hcg test.
So there you have it-I am currently 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, at this point in a normal healthy pregnancy a woman who is my age would have a beta level of roughly 3349 hCG-I am somewhere between 416 and maybe possibly at 2000hCG.
26 more hours.
Pray for no less than 1200hcg so that I can get off this stupid beta watch and finally be allowed to schedule an ultrasound.
Someone one get me one of these…
Because I have no idea how the hell I am going to get through the next 60 hours of my life staring at these effing pee sticks willing them to look darker every day while bleeding (AGAIN!!!) for the next 3 days without the ability to use alcohol or xanax.
Here, you try…see any difference in the stupid sticks over last three days??
And when I say difference-I mean monumental difference-IF he is healthy and a take home baby, we are supposed to be at the stage where we are doubling from 416 hcg every 48 hours-which means these shouldn’t be subtle jumps anymore-we are talking hundreds or thousands of points difference in 48 hours-these pee sticks aren’t showing that at all.
I am not reassured.
I am panicked.
I want to be Pooh.
I want to be Pooh so damn bad. Not like shit poo, (I’m totally there already) but Pooh bear Pooh. I want to just be without the fretting, hesitating, calculating and pontificating-because honestly after 3 years of fretting, hesitating, calculating and pontificating I’m exhausted.
I woke this morning just simply worn to core and thought, “Perhaps that’s what it takes to be able to just be?” Be so worn that you can’t even find the strength to be Eeyore, Rabbit, Piglet or Owl? Perhaps this is why I have been emotionally beaten into submission-so that maybe I am finally too exhausted to try to control the Tao and instead establish harmony with it?
I want to be Pooh, but I have to be honest, as I sit here willing my phone to ring and trying to use my jedi vjay powers to will the universe to give me some fabulous beta and progesterone results-I’m totally feeling more Eeyore-Rabbit-Owlesque.
But the want is there. I wonder if Tao believes that it’s the thought that counts?
After seeing these today…
I went ahead (despite everything in me saying I shouldn’t do this) and canceled my 7am and 8am clients tomorrow morning so that I can have my beta drawn first thing in the am so that I can get another look at our doubling time before thanksgiving as Monday just seemed SO. FAR. AWAY!!!
I am afraid of getting my hopes up-and the longer I go without being able to associate a beta number with the pee stick line-the more dangerous this could be on my heart. For each day I remain pregnant with a steadily increasing in intensity pee stick line, the more this little guy becomes real. The more real he is, the more crushing this is going to be if I don’t get to keep him either.
You know when the nurse says, “the doctor will call you as soon as he can” that you are in fact in limbo and that most likely it ain’t great. My hCG levels aren’t high enough to have the general feeling (backed this time by my doctor) that this could actually turn out to be a viable pregnancy after all…but they aren’t low enough to say that it is time to stop the pharmaceutical support either. I am absolutely in limbo.
We are currently at 165 hCG (a normal healthy pregnancy would be no less than 400 at this point) which is the highest we have ever been since Ava-and finally enough to produce a pee stick that looks like this:
Yes, what you are seeing isn’t a tweaked optical illusion-the test line is finally darker than the control line. I screwed up though and wasn’t very specific with my wish for a dark positive pregnancy test-I should have specified the day that I needed to have that test by. Ugh. I just wish this was 4 days ago.
There is absolutely nothing we can do but wait-and of course our wait is screwed up by the holiday because after 12pm on Wednesday I can’t get beta results until Monday the 28th. So we wait until next Monday for a repeat beta, or 2 days of pregnancy tests moving in the opposite direction-which ever comes first.
With my track record, the beta will be just high enough that the docs will want me to continue with the drugs and get a repeat beta in a week while also counseling me during the same conversation about potential ectopic pregnancy symptoms but no where near high enough to have the feeling that this might be my take home baby.
I am also certain that there are 4 very important landmarks that are ALWAYS seen in pregnancies that go to term and give you a healthy take home baby…
1. A beta higher than 110 on 14dpo (This one was a FAIL)
2. A beta number that continues to double every 24-48 hours (This one is a FAIL)
3. Having a beta at or above 1200 hCG by 5 weeks gestation (Thanksgiving) (This one is going to be a FAIL)
4. And the last but most important one-being at or above 6000 hCG by 6 weeks gestation-which for me would be December 1st-not without a miracle.
It was my hope that this pregnancy we could FINALLY meet those 4 landmarks so that I might be able to not worry every minute of every hour of every friggin day if my UOD is going to again take away my dreams-because holy shit is this exhausting.
There truly is nothing worse than being betrayed by your own body.
that I’m not able to even attempt to believe this pregnancy is our take home baby.
We’ve been here before, and I still have multiple spare bedrooms upstairs.
Sadly it’s looking like we’ve been EXACTLY here…
We’ve been less than here, and also had that not work too. Once we were even more than here…so long ago I can’t hardly remember, and that didn’t work either.
You see, sometimes you forget that I’m not like regular women who get to rejoice when they see two lines after an IVF cycle because that means they have a baby in their uterus that they get to see in 8 months. But I don’t forget.
I am the exact opposite. I pee on things ALL THE DAMN time and see 2 lines-but one is ALWAYS faint and I never get to keep the maker of the faint. Just sayin.
Yes, I am still barely pregnant. I realized this cycle that I don’t even equate being pregnant with actually having a baby in my uterus. Being pregnant to me is merely a short lived event during which my pee can turn a test line ever so slightly pink. Perhaps there was a screw up and rather than putting in 2 blasts, he transferred a pink crayola marker? Who knows really.
Maybe if one of our last 6 pregnancies ever made it to an ultrasound (rather than just making faint lines on a pregnancy test) so that we could see with our own eyes SOMETHING in my my uterus other than a marker, I would believe different.
Maybe if my progesterone wasn’t at a 6, at the same time my hCG was at a pitiful 49 and my body hadn’t been bleeding for 3 days I would feel differently. But it is what it is. My test strips are still faint, they haven’t increased in intensity in 72 hours-which is indicative of a beta that hasn’t increased either-and honestly I don’t give a shit if you know someone or read about someone who got a take home baby with a beta that low-because, well, I don’t.
I know someone who got nothing x5 with a beta that low-so chances are high thats the route this is going too. Would I love to be wrong? You can bet your fucking ass I would. Have a been wrong yet? Nope.
Am I a bitter, broken, emotionally threadbare, really fucking pissed off, unintentionally habitual aborting, quasi pregnant infertile who abhores that my new reality gleaming on the horizon is that I will NOT EVER be able to carry a pregnancy to term in my body? Yep, you bet.