Me, the LuNaTiC, to P the incredibly understanding husband:

Subject: trying to pull me down off the ledge?

Were you concerned that you had a jumper on your hands?

Thank you for the card and flowers.  I’m sorry I am so miserable.  I wish I could just snap out of this, but I sadly seem to just be getting worse.  I am not ever unaware of how much you love me, and how much I mean to you.  I am just really struggling right now because I want nothing more than to give you a family, and month after month I feel like I am failing miserably.  Especially after last month with the doctors telling me there is nothing wrong-I guess I just thought this would finally be our month.

But as it gets closer to the day where I should have been a mom and I realize that not only am I not a mom to a healthy daughter, but not even pregnant-the more insanely frustrated I become.  Ugh.  Just thinking about it makes me simultaneously want to cry and beat the crap out of something.

I feel like a complete LuNaTiC.

I just want the memory of this whole thing erased from my brain so that we can go back to the way things were before the rug was ripped out from under us.  Blech.  Argggh!

Even completely miserable, I still love you very much and feel thankful that I have you.

P, the incredibly understanding husband, to me the LuNaTiC:

Subject: RE:trying to pull me down off the ledge?

No – I had actually picked up the card last week, but never had an opportunity with everything going on to give it to you. I picked up the flowers yesterday because I knew you were having a rough time – just wanted to tell you how much I love you.

This whole thing does suck babe, but please never forget that we do have a family – no matter what size (or how much fur certain members may have).

Love you

It is sometimes quite easy to lose sight of things when you are in the bottom of a dark pit.  With flying fists of fury down there in this lousy pit, I am so busy flailing about that I forget to stop and simply just reach out my hand.

In the bottom, surrounded in the darkness there are so many hands just waiting to hold mine to give me comfort.  Today I sit there in the dark, but instead of flailing, with a strong firm hand wrapped around mine.