There is nothing like the helpless floundering feeling of waiting.

I am a goal oriented person.  Eye on the prize.  I like to know what the prize is, and then immediately craft an efficient plan in order to get from where I am now, to the prize, in the fastest most close to perfect way possible.

I am actually quite good at this.  Independent problem solver/plan maker is me.  Ask for help with my plans?  Hell no.  Growing up in a large family you quickly realize if you do indeed need help, you ain’t never getting to that prize  ’cause there is no help to be had.  Needing help not only slows you down so that you are waiting, but it also tries your patience, which I don’t have any of.  So the path to the prize has to not only be fast (please refer to my previous post about my lack of patience) but one that can be done by myself.   What if this means that the path to the prize is a bit harder because I need to flounder about in order to figure out how to do something on my own?  No problem, I know that evil.   The evil I know is better than the evil I don’t know.  I would rather know I am complete control over the situation than to be sitting around waiting for someone else who supposedly knows how to do it, help me, only to realize once they do help me that it doesn’t meet the ridiculous high standards that I have.

Today I am changing this rule that I have lived by.  I have floundered so much over the past year and change that I am exhausted all the way through my soul.  I have no faith in hope.  I have no ability to believe that good things can happen.  I am a broken and desperate woman.

“Help me Jesus!  Help me Jewish God!  Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me.  Help me, Oprah Winfrey!”



Clearly I have not been capable of crafting a plan that will get me to the ultimate goal of giving birth to a healthy baby on my own, and I am desperate for some help.  With minimal waiting, and of course extremely high work quality standards.