I have prayed for help, begged for help and made pretend like I don’t need help over the past year and a half, none of which have been successful in getting the help I need.

I now believe it is because there is no help to be had.   This isn’t a help sort of thing I guess.  So now-I am going with luck.  It certainly would explain a lot and quite possibly make me not be so riddled with self doubt, if indeed it is all just luck.  Otherwise how do you explain it?? I mean seriously, I can’t tell you how many people have told me that “when it is meant to be it will be.”  Or, “god has a plan for you,” you just have to have faith that he knows best.

I am now calling BULLSH*T on both of these hair brained hypotheses.  So let me get this straight-applying your “logic” I am to believe that I am currently not “meant to be” a mom?  Really?  Then why do crack addicts have babies?  Why do teens get pregnant only to abort them?  Really, a crack addict is meant to have a baby??  Really?  In what twisted world should that be “meant to be” while someone who desires a baby, is ready for a baby, is taking every vitamin under the sun to make a healthy baby gets either a baby with no brain or no baby at all month after month?  Hmnnnn, this just isn’t logical to me.  So I am ruling out the “meant to be” hypothesis on the grounds that it is bullsh*t.

Now on to the because it’s “god’s plan” hypothesis.  Am I to infer that god is sending me the subtle message that I shouldn’t quit my day job?  Or better yet, that I am not worthy of becoming a mom?  I can’t think of a single good reason to put me through what I have been through that can make me feel like it is part of a well choreographed master plan.  I am not learning any additional life lessons here.  Trust me if there was anything good to be gotten out of the traumatic experience I have gone through-it isn’t any better learned month after month with still no baby on board.  I again can think of a slew of reasons why “god’s plan” is not the answer.  Especially when one reads news articles about a woman, her infant and her boyfriend-who god’s plan was for her to give birth to a healthy baby, bring it home and then have the boyfriend shake and beat the baby to death.  Really, god’s plan?  Sick plan man.  Sick plan.  There are just too many of these messed up plans out there, which all support a solid debunking of the “god’s plan” hypothesis.

It all has to be luck.  A homeless person can win the lotto, a drug addicted woman can sell her body for drugs and make a perfectly healthy baby, incredible young people loose their lives daily while idiots roam the streets not adding anything to this world and die peacefully in their sleep in their 90’s.  Luck.  Each and every aspect of one’s life is luck.  Apply all of the above scenarios to the luck hypothesis, and they all work.  You can’t disprove luck-so it is still in contention.

I have thought a lot about luck’s existence over the past 2 weeks.  After an exhaustive internet search on both luck and good luck charms, there is no legitimate yes or no answer.  There have been studies that have shown interesting things though.  Just by carrying a good luck charm, people felt their good luck had increased 30%.  That was enough for me, end search.  I have found something that will make me feel that my good luck has increased by 30%?  I’ll take it.

To help make sure that this good luck charm brings me luck in what I really want as opposed to something stupid like, not stepping in a large wad of gum-a little more internet research provided me with exactly what I was looking for…

Horseshoe: #1  ranked most recognized symbol of good luck.  Protects and brings good fortune.

Rose Quartz: Brings healing and clarity to the heart, balances emotions and heals emotional wounds.  It is especially powerful in times of stress or loss.  Its energy takes away fears, resentment and anger.  Increases fertility.

Moonstone: Mother Goddess stone.  Balances internal hormone cycles, helps healing of reproductive disorders and brings good luck.

Dumortierite: Restores emotional balance by helping with stubbornness and patience.

Aventurine:  All purpose healer.  Initiates a deep purification of your physical body, especially the vital organs.  It high lights and purifies the organ with the most limitations and greatest weaknesses.  Helps to enhance fertilitity.

Since it is imperative that I really give this “luck” hypothesis a solid test-I have found a way to combine all of the above elements into a good luck charm.  Luckily (no pun intended) I am crafty.  So I constructed this:

The green is Aventurine, the blue is Dumortierite, the white is Moonstone, and a rose quartz is attached to the horseshoe.

Since I am unclear on the rules of how lucky charms actually work-I will carry them on me 24/7 until furter notice!

Please wish me luck.  I need it!