No Turning Back Now

While I’ve been away…

We met with a local photographer to get some images of this belly of mine:)  She was wonderful and sent us away with over 600 images from the shoot!

For your viewing pleasure…here are a few of just the bump at 31 weeks:

 

 

There isnt a day that passes…

that I dont have at least a handful of flashbacks, memories or moments of gratefulness for where I am right now.

Especially this past month.  Last May was by far one of the hardest months I have EVER lived through.  I didn’t realize how much so until this month when I would catch myself trying to recall where I was last year on this date (as most infertites do) and then almost cry because the memories are so dark and painful to even linger in now.

I was so broken, so hopeless, so sure that every pregnancy I was going to have for the rest of my life was going to end before it got a take home baby, how isolated I was from the life I used to have before the loses and how incredibly damaged the relationship with my husband was because of all of this…that month was the grand pu ba of shit shows out of all my shit shows.  And every time I look back on it now, the more grateful I am to be this far today.

Post after post of heart wrenching or raging content was published last May.  There were even posts I didn’t publish because they were even too dark for me back then-reading them now is gut wrenching.  As I am reading them I just can’t believe anyone can suffer like that-then I realize its me that I’m reading about, and want to vomit.

While I am so friggin grateful that I was finally given a furlough from the trying to get knocked up and stay knocked up prison of hell, it forced me to leave behind my two good friends Jaq and Jordana, who both have been kicked to shit *repeatedly* over the past few months and it crushes me as if it were my own.  Because their struggles are so similar, their pain is felt as sharp as my own pain.  While I have never met either of them in person (yet) I have a visceral response when I learn of their news-both the good, and unfortunately always the bad news that isn’t far behind.  I am so grateful to not be locked in that prison, but also so guilty because I couldn’t drag them out of there with me.

You see, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss unfortunately *isn’t* like the Marines-the suffering wounded, barely able to breathe never mind hold their head up women are left behind all the time.  Every minute of every day, while those of us on furlough run for our lives, and the lives of our little passenger, trying insanely hard not to look back out of fear of what we are going to see or even worse because we fear we’ve tempted the fates and now our furlough will be rescinded and our little passenger forfeited.

It is because of this that I am filled with gratefulness and a deep sense of appreciation.  It comes out all the time.  As I writhe in pain from a muscle spasm in my back that prevents me from drawing air into my lungs I am so effing grateful that I’m pregnant and that’s what’s causing it that I cry tears of disbelief.  As I shuffle around my house in the middle of the night instead of being able to peacefully sleep due to the sneaky electric squirming worms that take up residence in my legs and hips every night I collapse into bed, I won’t lie, I cry tears of frustration (and sometimes pain because I stub my effing toes) but behind the tears is always the immediate thought that Jac and Jo are some where lying in their beds beaten and heart broken, fighting that shit ass fight-and my heart (along with my prayers, wishes, hoping, burning things for them and of course begging) goes out to them while  I am truly grateful and absolutely appreciate where I am now.  Each and every second.  Because it is exactly where I want to be and hope that very soon, they will be too.

29.1

Here we are…

And I still can’t believe we are here!

Wordless Wednesday

Sorry for the silence lately…

but I have been all sorts of busy working on this:

And about a million other things.

I haven’t seen a doc in almost 3 weeks-so nothing really to report on that front other than he’s still in there and still alive, and as soon as I am able to come up for air I will try to back fill what’s been going on in the room, general preparations for him, upcoming maternity photos as well as the shower!

Pregnant with FiscaBabyBoy: 27 Weeks

Far along: Thursday April 26, 2012: 27 weeks

Food aversions: None.

Food indulgences: Frosted Mini Wheats

Doctors appointments: We had a growth scan on the 18th-which was a complete information bust as the tech wouldn’t give me any measurements or ultrasound images for that matter.  My high risk doc wasn’t able to be there to look over the results so I am actually still waiting for the full information aside from the far to vague for my liking “he looks good!”

She did try to get a 3d image of your face, but you were extremely uncooperative and instead would roll and present us your heiney and ummm manly bits.

 I do however know that my cervix is nice and long and closed-measuring in at almost 4.8cm-and not because anyone told me but because she only took one measurement so there were no averages and I knew what were were looking at.  Other than that, just the usual monitoring for the gestational diabeetus.

Most memorable moment: Finally settling on the base wall color for your room…

Most anxious moment: I think you have finally established some sleeping patterns as all of your crazy town activities in there must be finally wearing you out.  Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself when there are the 3+ hour long time frames that I can go without feeling anything from you.  Wish you would be better about picking those nap times-as the one you did the morning before the growth scan nearly caused me to break down in tears in the lobby while waiting.

Things purchased for the baby: More nursery stuff.  The purchasing never seems to end!!!  Curtain rods, curtains rings, paint, area rug, canvases for the wall art etc…the list is so very long and so never ending!

Milestones:  We are in our LAST week of the 2nd trimester, with only 90 something days left till your due date.

Pregnant with FiscaBabyBoy: 24 Weeks

Far along: Thursday April , 2012: 24 weeks

Food aversions: None.

Food indulgences: An occasional bowl of cereal

Doctors appointments: It’s been a pretty quiet few weeks, aside from the basic routine appointments for my diabeetus and a regular OB appointment which is nothing I can’t do at home myself (check BP, weight, listen to the baby with the doppler and measure my belly) there has been nothing else.

Most memorable moment: As a sign of viability this morning you gave poor little Isla (who was snuggled up sleeping peacefully against my belly) a nice hard kick to her ear-equally shocking her awake and confusing her. Whilst she looked about trying to figure out what the heck just happened, I looked down with pure amazement as I SAW (for the first time) my baby bump moving to accommodate your punching and kicking. Unbelievable.

Most anxious moment: Things have been arriving in the mail and via UPS this past week-notably on the same day your crib bedding, crib (which is still in the box and hidden in the garage) and a package from Alison that had a few gifts for your room arrived. As I began unpacking the boxes I became panic stricken as I wondered how I would return all of this stuff if things go wrong. So once I safely stored all of the boxes and return receipts, I quickly ran down stairs and grabbed the doppler to make sure you were still alive in there. It’s the first time I’ve used that thing in over a month because you are always so active I don’t really need it-but man the doppler was a sanity saver for sure because you weren’t moving a muscle in there!

Things purchased for the baby: I think at this stage it’s be easier to list what we haven’t purchased! We wanted to have the first article of clothing that came into this house for you, to be from us, so have no fear you won’t be naked if we get to keep you-you now have 2 outfits!

One that I picked out:

and one that your dad picked out:

We are slowly wrapping up the remaining purchases we need for your nursery-here’s a little sneak peak of what’s going on in there:

With the hope that we can have it mostly complete in time for THE SHOWER!! Yes, there will be one of those! And yes, I’ve even started registries. Crazy, but apparently necessary.

Milestones:  We are far enough along now that there is up to a 70% chance if you were born today that you would survive.  Three more weeks and that jumps up to 90%!  While nothing will make me 100% confident that I get to keep you until you are in my arms safe and sound-hitting these viability milestones is beginning to make me feel like there is a better chance of keeping you than losing you.  Which is a whole new thing for me!

I think we’ll call him…..

MiniHubby!

We had our monthly growth scan this morning (21.4 weeks) and it turns out he’s still perfect but no longer has my nose-or anything resembling my face…at all.  He’s got all of my husband’s facial features.

Every. Last. One!

 

Pregnant with FiscaBabyBoy: 21 weeks

Far along: Thursday March 15: 21 weeks

Food aversions: None.

Food indulgences: Corn Chex Cereal (I’ll explain that one in a minute)

Doctors appointments: Basic check up with the nurse at the diabeetus center to go over how to do my nightly insulin injections (yep or course, I would be in the tiny percent of the less than 4% of women who get GD that actually needs to go on insulin because following the diet has done nothing to reduce my blood sugar levels) and my 20 week check up with my local OB that showed your heart rate is still in the high 150′s, my uterus is measuring as if I am 23.5 weeks pregnant at 20.4 weeks placing my fundus just shy of my rib cage (a thank you to my parents for the insanely short torso).  She also noted that over the past 7 weeks I’ve lost a total of 10lbs which she really didn’t like.  I did however remind her that due to a combo of my crazy short torso causing you to be up so high (this early!!) and pushing on my stomach all the time creating a never ending flow of lava in my throat along with this lousy diabeetus diet that is higher in fat than I am used to–eating food has simply become not enjoyable.  At all.   I don’t crave anything I am allowed to eat, and have heart burn all day long which really is a great appetite suppressant.  And what I really want to eat–Chex Cereal and every piece of fruit I lay my eyes on, I’m not allowed to touch because it will send my blood sugar through the roof.

Most memorable moment: Your dad was finally able to feel one of your little movements 2 nights ago (after patiently waiting-with no reward-with his hand on my belly on multiple occasions over the past 2 weeks).  You are such a little show off for me, but you are playing hard to get for him!!

Most anxious moment: There have been many this week, all exactly the same-I completely panic when someone congratulates me and wants to gush over the fact that I am currently pregnant.  Since everyone at work knows I am pregnant (especially with my last day rapidly approaching) there has been a massive influx of members seeking me out once they have heard the double news of the pregnancy and the resigning.  The more happy and excited they are as I am being cornered during the gushing, the more freaked out I become.  I actually break out into hives , start sweating and squirm, it’s awful.  I want to be excited, but instead I feel guilty for taking congratulations for something that I didn’t do yet.  As if I don’t deserve them yet because I might not have a baby at the end of this.  Because being pregnant is nothing (and clearly not worth any congratulations whatsoever) unless you get all the way to the end and get to keep the baby.  I want to be not damaged, I want to be able to truly believe this is my take home baby-instead I feel like a fraud.

Things purchased for the baby: I picked up a stroller off of craigs list.  I absolutely didn’t want to do it-but I also didn’t want to pay full price to buy this same stroller in another 10 weeks when this one was 50% off and new in the box.  So frugal trumped crazy brain and now I have a stroller in a box  in my house because it’s too big to fit in the freezer, where all things that scare the shit out of you belong.

Milestones: We are past the half way mark so there are currently less weeks left to worry about this pregnancy than what I have already worried through!!