Last weekend my husband’s sister came to visit with her family, which includes a daughter who is 1 month younger than Ava would have been. Had I had the normal experience the vast majority of women get-I would be a mother to a 2 year old toddling girl right now- not crying because I got to see first hand what I’m *really* missing all last weekend, nor blogging or working my ass off to repair the damage that 6 pregnancy losses has done to my marriage.
Does this years sadness hold a candle to the pit of hell I was in last year? Absolutely not-because for right now the sadness isn’t compounded by the straight up fear that Ava was as close as I was ever going to get to being a mother and giving my husband the family he deserves. Instead, i just mourned what we lost – my daughter and our marriage bliss as I wondered what next year will bring.