Today I am 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a beta of 1980hcg.  I officially made the cutoff and have been allowed to schedule an ultrasound for Friday morning when I will be exactly 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

I am still quite concerned that our ultrasound on Friday will look something like this:

Rather than what we should see if everything is ok in there which would be a gestational sac, with a blob in it, that has a fetal pole that shows some sort sporadic cardiac activity similar to this:

And since there is no way in hell I can make it 4 more days peeing on and staring at sticks-I was granted another beta on Wednesday, and because I am a neurotic freak who is concerned that my beta still hasn’t caught up and that my doubling times seem to be consistently increasing now, I most likely will go before the ultrasound on Friday and have ANOTHER beta done.

Rational?  Nope.  Necessary? Yup, you bet.

I’m so afraid to have hope, but the longer this goes on unchecked-the harder it is to stop my brain from dabbling in the thought that I might actually get to keep  him (omg, did I just type that?  I honestly have no idea what that would feel like. The thought of actually being a mom to a living baby is such a stretch that I just laughed OUT LOUD at that idea-like it was a big joke)…but it is that thought  that will eventually seep in and be the cause of all the heart wrenching, devastating, horrific new lows if in the end,  I don’t get to keep him.

Trust me, I wish this wasn’t my reality.  But it’s much easier to move on with your life after a miscarriage (never mind 6 losses) if there never was a moment during the time you could make 2 lines on a pregnancy test that you actually thought you were going to be able to keep that baby.  I want nothing more than to have my ignorant pregnancy bliss back-but instead, I’ll just keep getting betas and wondering how much longer I will get to be pregnant.