that I’m not able to even attempt to believe this pregnancy is our take home baby.
We’ve been here before, and I still have multiple spare bedrooms upstairs.
Sadly it’s looking like we’ve been EXACTLY here…
We’ve been less than here, and also had that not work too. Once we were even more than here…so long ago I can’t hardly remember, and that didn’t work either.
You see, sometimes you forget that I’m not like regular women who get to rejoice when they see two lines after an IVF cycle because that means they have a baby in their uterus that they get to see in 8 months. But I don’t forget.
I am the exact opposite. I pee on things ALL THE DAMN time and see 2 lines-but one is ALWAYS faint and I never get to keep the maker of the faint. Just sayin.
Yes, I am still barely pregnant. I realized this cycle that I don’t even equate being pregnant with actually having a baby in my uterus. Being pregnant to me is merely a short lived event during which my pee can turn a test line ever so slightly pink. Perhaps there was a screw up and rather than putting in 2 blasts, he transferred a pink crayola marker? Who knows really.
Maybe if one of our last 6 pregnancies ever made it to an ultrasound (rather than just making faint lines on a pregnancy test) so that we could see with our own eyes SOMETHING in my my uterus other than a marker, I would believe different.
Maybe if my progesterone wasn’t at a 6, at the same time my hCG was at a pitiful 49 and my body hadn’t been bleeding for 3 days I would feel differently. But it is what it is. My test strips are still faint, they haven’t increased in intensity in 72 hours-which is indicative of a beta that hasn’t increased either-and honestly I don’t give a shit if you know someone or read about someone who got a take home baby with a beta that low-because, well, I don’t.
I know someone who got nothing x5 with a beta that low-so chances are high thats the route this is going too. Would I love to be wrong? You can bet your fucking ass I would. Have a been wrong yet? Nope.
Am I a bitter, broken, emotionally threadbare, really fucking pissed off, unintentionally habitual aborting, quasi pregnant infertile who abhores that my new reality gleaming on the horizon is that I will NOT EVER be able to carry a pregnancy to term in my body? Yep, you bet.