I find myself simultaneously hoping that we have a couple normal embryos out of the 7 tested and then immediately freaking the eff out at the thought that we clearly make some normal babies-so that is not the sole reason for 5 back to back peri-implantation pregnancy losses.

I have to admit-I’ve never been able to buy the idea that we make babies that are so abnormal that they aren’t even capable of fully implanting…x5…especially since  Ava had no issue implanting, and her chromosomes were perfect and I am fully aware of how many women are forced to terminate pregnancies in the second trimester due to  fatal chromosome issues or those who decide to carry to term a baby with a chromosome issue.  Its a lot.  Since our pregnancy with Ava,  we have NEVER made it to a gestational sac, never mind heart beat. We never get above 60 for a beta hCG.  I simply just don’t believe that the number of chromosomes has anything to do with all of these losses-and well that’s why this whole thing sucks.

NOTHING has been done to stop my uterus from killing another pregnancy as my immune system and body has been deemed completely normal (GAG!) by every possible means of testing.  There are no more tests to run which means if there is a normal blast in the fisca 7 that is transferred to my UOD on Tuesday-and I miscarry a chromosomally sound blastocyte-then that is it-game over.  Brooke never gets to carry her own baby.

Granted if that’s the case, we have an answer.  My body is fucked up, and we will never know why its fucked up when clearly it worked once before-so it’s a really lousy ambiguous answer that ends my dream of carrying to term a healthy take home baby…but not necessarily the dream of having biological off spring as we will know in 24 hours if we do make some good babies.

So with a shit ton of money, and the same amount of luck we might be able to buy what every other person around here gets for free-a healthy take home baby-

IF the woman who offered to be our surrogate will still be willing to do so.

IF she pass all of the crazy requirements.

IF her husband passes all of his crazy requirements.

IF they are all on board with driving 6 hours for treatments etc, etc, etc

I have also begun to think about the void that will be there a week from Wednesday if we do have something normal to transfer tomorrow and I don’t get pregnant from this cycle, especially if we have no frozen normal blasts in which to try again.  Until we achieve a pregnancy with a normal blast-we can’t really rule anything out…which means another fresh IVF cycle, with more testing, waiting and transferring to get the answers we need.

Ugh.

Vomitous.

I’m in need of divine intervention.  A miracle.

A chocolate covered date looking miracle pill from Miracle Max.  Where’s Billy Crystal when you need him?

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