Recently I was thinking about the death of one of the richest 56 year old men on earth to a deadly disease.  And my thought was …” all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put humpty dumpty back together again.”

If anyone had the means to beat this always fatal disease-it was him.  Yet all the money in the world and all the brain power of the best oncologists couldn’t help him beat it.

It’s a staggering thought really.

I simply can’t imagine what he must have thought having the firepower he did, the moment he realized no matter what he did, or how hard he worked he couldn’t beat cancer.

And then I realized, I can imagine EXACTLY what it feels like. There is a disease (yes ladies and gentleman-despite the fact that the vast majority of insurance carriers would say otherwise) of my reproductive system.  Which at this point I think we can all agree, is clearly not functioning as it’s supposed to.

What we are struggling with now is so oddly similar to that mans’ fight that it shook me to my core when I realized it.  In an attempt to gain perspective from his fatal battle with cancer I said aloud to myself…

“See self?? It could be much worse, you could be in a fight with a fatal non curable disease.”

However, as soon as my lips stopped moving, my brain and heart started screaming.  And that’s when it hit me.  One of the most profound realizations about why we are so destroyed right now came to light.

That is what makes struggling with the failure of your reproductive system so crippling.  This disease is every bit as fatal as cancer, only with one horrible caveat-at the end, you physically remain alive and will spend the rest of your days on earth mourning the death of the life you always wanted. 

Even someone who isn’t infertile might be able to understand why this disease is so crippling to us if they could wrap their mind around that-and perhaps try to live that reality in their mind for a few minutes.

Our life, while going through this battle, has ground to a screeching halt. We have already experienced the death of the “old” us.  That happy, ignorantly blissful us who got married, bought that big family house with the yard, in the burbs-then proceeds to spend 3 years and lose 6 pregnancies while trying to turn one of those damn empty spare bedrooms (that currently mock the “new” us) into a nursery.

This “shell” of the old us is is in the middle of the battle with infertility-we know we can never go back and we are scared to death (literally) about looking forward- because if we lose this battle, we are faced with the fact that we have to go on living our lives even though the future life we were supposed to have is also dead.

Infertility is fatal…to your life long dreams.

 

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