I will find out this week the results of the last outstanding immune panel and am praying that there are some answers there and not another “normal” label.   Please no normal.  Please, please, please, baby jesus, oprah winfrey and tom cruise-please tell me there is something not normal to validate all of my dead babies.

Of all the panels to have issues with, this is the one.  It is the cheapest to fix with drugs that are actually covered under my plan and women with APA issues, once corrected with steriods and lovenox, typically go on to carry to term LIVE HEALTHY BABIES! Oh em gee-what the hell is that?  I have no idea-wouldn’t even be able to wrap my mind around that concept really.

However, let it be known, that I am bracing for the impact of the “normal” results because I did have a portion of this panel done in June (through a lab that wasn’t nearly as thorough) and they said I had no issues in this area.  Please let that not be the case.  Please let them be wrong.  Please let there be something simple that is messed up with me rather than rotten eggs.  Because if this comes back normal-all that is left is the fact that I most likely make rotten eggs.  And not just a few-but a shit ton of rotten eggs.   Dealing with the fact that all of my eggs are shit will be a blow that will bring me to my knees both physically and emotionally.

The other thing that makes this week big stuff-I just got an email from SIRM (on a sunday!?) that I will also get my drug and appointment calendar on Tuesday.  Hooooray  I finally get to take a look at the protocol that SIRM thinks is the ticket to making a good quantity of high quality eggs given my history.  Because as I am beginning to learn through this process of multiple IVF fails-it isn’t just that you are doing IVF-it is actually PARAMOUNT that you are given the right drugs at the right time based upon your hormone levels that will create more and higher quality eggs.  A protocol that works for me, will not work for someone else.  And it also explains why my yield of eggs on my last IVF cycle was so fucking lousy, and our fertilization rate of those eggs dropped in comparison to my egg quantity and quality of my IUI converted to an IVF cyle.

Bad job lizzie.  Using birth control pills to “supress” me for 2 weeks and then going directly into stimulation without overlapping lupron and birth control pills prior to stimulation= a low yeild of rotten eggs.  How do you not know that???  Why did I not research this before agreeing to that protocol??  I’m so fucking stupid.  But seriously Lizzie, you are the doctor here, why would you ever suggest that protocol given the fact that my FSH is 11 and I have failed ART cycles and am a habitual aborter???

Oh yeah, that’s right because you’re a fucking asshat and I want to punch you in the ovaries.

On a side note, I have begun to really appreciate the little things that make my life easier during an IVF cycle and love that so far SIRM has figured this out too.  You come to appreciate it when someone is looking out for you when you ass has been left hanging in the breeze.

I didn’t have to explain to SIRM that cigna teldrug sucks and beg the nurse scheduler to put my drug order in ASAP-because as soon as she saw Cigna, she knew what kind of shenanigans they pull and thus said (before I could tell her)  “I noted that you use teldrug.  So we are going to place your med order immediately as well as over order meds (just to make sure that you don’t run out last minute) because it takes  a long time to get through teldrug hoops and  our patients were going through too much unnecessary stress trying to get the drugs they needed and in time-which is the antithesis of what an IVF patient should be doing days before retrieval.”

Umm what did you just say???


I love you.