Not counting of course the obvious most suckiest part (no children) of recurrent pregnancy loss coupled with primary infertility- there are two other very lousy things that I can’t escape lately.

The first being that once you’ve gone through IVF (multiple times) and a FET and come out the other end with no healthy take home baby you lose the ability to have hope that future cycles will bring one home either.

I mean why would they??

Why should I believe or have faith that another medicated cycle is going to do what the previous ones didn’t?  Especially since I supposedly have nothing wrong with me so its not like I was broken before but have since been fixed so the IVF result will be different.  Having hope and faith and belief that this time it will be different, in my mind, just sets me up for mental devastation for when I miscarry or get a BFN.

Have you any idea how effing hard it is to walk around for 2 weeks and just know you are pregnant, to just know this worked because you have hope and you did the thing that is the most advanced way to get you pregnant and then have that just crushed?

Time,

after time,

after time,

after time,

after time,

after time??????

No I doubt it, because that’s a special layer of hopeless hell that should only be reserved for the likes of Casey Anthony.  And yet here I am down here so buried by past failures I have no ability to feign hope, nor the will power to want to hope any more.   I’m not sure why people feel the need to tell me I have to have hope and believe, I suppose because at the end of the cycle it isn’t their heart being ripped out and stomped on?

Here’s the truth-hope hurts me.  Hope hurts me while doubt keeps my heart protected.  Let me have that.  Don’t make me feel bad because I guard my heart with cautious doubt.  Yes I know that feeling this is sucky.  And this is why it is ranked so high in the “things that suck the most about this”  list.

The second most sucky thing about this?  I hate my lady business.  I have a seething hatred for it.  I want nothing to do with it.  I would like to rip it out and stomp on it and set it on fire.  The idea of attempting to derive pleasure from this bitch is nauseating.  In my mind, if I am using her for “pleasure” she is enjoying it too and that is unacceptable.

She should enjoy nothing.

And geesh, what wonders this top ranked sucky thing has done for my libido.

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