This morning I had the lovely experience of yet another person up in my lady junk.

While my RE requires that I have my  lady business tested every year for STD’s along with a routine PAP (which only makes me believe their machines they use for IVF and IUI’s are a bunch of dirty whores) they refuse to do them for us at their office-they send us infertiles back to an OB/GYN for some more mental torture.

Not only do you sit in the waiting room surrounded by knocked up women, and of course, their husbands (while they are happily oogiling their perfect ultrasound photos) you also get to over hear everything happening in their exam rooms while you wait to have your lady business inspection because the walls are made of tissue paper, and somehow defying the  laws of tensile strength of  1 ply toilet paper-there are an insane number of photos of babies, mothers holding babies, fathers holding babies and happy families with newborn babies in their arms strung all over these walls.

Since I had such horrible memories in this office, I had my annual done last year with Magic Hands B who was my first line in infertility check ups (prior to Lizzie) so this OB office hasn’t seen me since they terminated my pregnancy with Ava almost 2 years ago.  I ignorantly assumed that because my fertility clinic has this OB’s office as my OB and is in the same damn hospital, that they would be updating my medical records over the past year, sadly my thoughts of progressive medical care are ridiculous-and I should have known better.  I mean seriously why would my RE ever send my OB any pertinent information about my pregnancies, my vagina and tests done on my reproductive system over the past 20 months?  Perhaps they too don’t believe I will ever end up back in my OB’s office with a pregnancy because I don’t ever get to 5 weeks let alone 9 weeks???

My punishment for assuming such stupid things? I spent 20 minutes recanting my past 20 months of medical history while listening to the fetal heart tones booming from the dopplers (ON BOTH SIDES OF ME) from the blissfully ignorant pregnant women in the 2 other exam rooms.

Once the nurse got all of my information down-her response

“This is truly horrific.  I’m so sorry.  So, what’s next?”

Without missing a beat and again, not able to pick the appropriate thing to say for my audience mostly because I am being auditorally tortured…

“I was thinking perhaps grand theft newborn baby and then making a run for the Mexico border.”

As she starts scrawling furiously into my records-I know what’s coming next…so I just let out a long :::::::sigh:::::: and just wait for it…

“So are you seeking professional help BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH”…..

Because apparently everyone thinks that seeking a therapist will help you get knocked up with healthy take home babies.

Stupid people.