My husband is devastated.

I’m as numb as I was the day I got home from my termination.  I woke up to a miscarriage on Saturday which crushed my poor husband.  Even though he knew my numbers were falling-he still held on to hope.

Unlike me he saw the 2 perfect blasts and then the darkening pregnancy strips and in his mind-we had finally done it-2 years and 7 months of hell, 6 pregnancies later-we were finally on our way.

How much more can he stand?  I don’t know.

How much more can I stand?  Not sure.

How much more can we endure of this and still stay together?  Ugh, not much more.

Something has to give, and soon.  Our hearts and souls are just so tattered I fear nothing will ever be able to heal them if in the end a baby isn’t in our future.

Today I finally got Dr. G to admit that she has never in her career seen a woman my age, with my ovarian reserve (above average number of eggs left for my age) make such perfect embryos and blasts on repeated IVF cycles (perfect egg quality) end up having an issue with making above average numbers of chromosomally abnormal babies i.e. she doesn’t think we make bad babies either.

Ummmmmmmm, EXACTLY you douche canoe. Kind of you to finally get on board.

Although she wouldn’t necessarily agree that it was my immune system or natural killer cells-she did finally say that it wasn’t normal and she now isn’t so sure that doing PGS will fix our problem as all signs are pointing to  the fact that were are making and transferring at least some healthy embryos.  So of course, I did what every woman who has been pushed to the brink  with out many options left-I started crying and I begged her again to let me have a prescription for Lovenox.  She again said no BUT this time she did refer me to a vascular specialist (next Thursday) to discuss the potential of being prescribed Lovenox.  So more waiting.  While hoping I can convince her to let me try this and see if it is the missing link.  And knowing that I will duct tape myself to the chair in that Doctors office next week and not leave without a prescription for Lovenox.