she was squinting and tweaking and torturing her bladder.

Sadly she’s still there.

To make matters worse, the Heroine’s husband looked at the line up of the cycles pee sticks (just below) and said “so when will we know definitively that we are pregnant?” forcing the Heroine to cut him with a shiv.

Yesterday was most definitely the best day I’ve had as far as rising HCG levels (as predicted with things I pee on because my doctor is a fucking asshole) in my reproductive history.  I was rewarded nicely because each time I tested it was noticeably darker than the previous test, with less than 8 hours between each test.  I even got all reckless with this new crazy super power I had and was quickly knocked back down to reality just before bed when I dipped one of those fancy $8 digital tests and got this…

Which of course made me wonder if I can’t flip one of those to “pregnant” at 11dpo-and these usually flip around 15hcg-then I’m fucked.  How am I going to get to 100hcg by Monday morning (anything less than 100hcg by 14 dpo has a horribly high rate of miscarriage) if I’m only around 10hcg???  HCG levels double if they are healthy every 48 hours-a double of 10 only gets me to 20 by sunday and 30 by Monday morning-that’s a miscarriage for sure. I tell you all of this because I know most of you don’t live in the world I do.  Most of you are under the assumption that congrats are in order-and that this is great.  Well it’s not.  Implantation happens all the time for me-but never since I lost Ava has it ever finished-which is why I am walking around waiting for the other shoe to drop.  If this mornings test had been leaps and bounds above yesterday’s then maybe-perhaps maybe I would feel differently-but here-have a look for yourself-they are damn near identical!!!!

Now here’s where this gets weird.  Here’s the side by side comparison of the digitial tests for those 2 strips above-they were both dipped into the same sample-

Yep fascinating hunh?  I want to be normal.  I want to be so fing thrilled that I’m facebooking stupid quasi cryptic shit.  Instead-what I’ve know subconsciously for the past 3 days, that this cycle is in big trouble-I will now stop clinging to “there’s a line on my pee stick and the digi says I’m pregnant” hope and let that thought finally wash into my conscience.

Well, yesterday was nice at least.