Those 4 words are probably the 4 most horrible words I know.  This is a field of infertility that is the most “controversial” and the most “experimental” because the vast majority of tests and treatments for those 4 words have all come out within the last 10 years (most within the last 5).  They aren’t controversial or experimental because they can’t diagnose issues and they can’t correct issues-they are just new.  Because they are newer-every insurance company will refuse to pay for both the diagnostic testing and the treatments for recurrent pregnancy loss leaving the broken infertile couple with only 2 options

1. somehow come up with a LOT of money to pay for everything out of pocket and maybe end up with a healthy take home baby

or

2. decline the testing and continue to use insurance for assisted reproduction until you run out of insurance coverage or you’re beaten into submission and give up because there is something wrong with you that is causing all of these measures to fail.

I have been betrayed by my own body, we have been tried by fire, and a type of hell that so many will never have to face, that just physically and emotionally wears you down so there is nothing left to give to this struggle.  One gives up not because they no longer desire to make a child-on a contrary-my desire now is exponentially higher than when we started.  It has grown over the years because I know (and see daily) women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers-I know that I will be better.

I know that I will be better not because I am special, or more worthy or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled in order to make a child.   I have longed and waited.  I have cried and prayed.  I have planned over and over again.  It is because of this-like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. 

I have appreciation-that’s for damn sure.

It is the only thing that struggling with forced pregnancy termination and infertility has given me that could possibly count as a *potential* positive.  I will notice everything about my child if I ever get one.  I will take time and appreciate watching my child sleep, explore, learn, grow and discover and will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. 

I will be happy and appreciate the fact that I can wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed them and truly, I mean truly appreciate the fact that I am not waking  up with an empty uterus to go to another monitoring appointment, give myself  another injection, go through another egg retrieval, pee on another test and cry tears of a broken dream.   Because if I ever get to give birth to a live healthy baby

my dream will be crying for me.

Having to make the heartbreaking choice to terminate a non viable pregnancy and then suffer years of infertility treatments and miscarriages has given me this insight.  Right now I am counting this special vision as a positive-but recently I have begun to get the sinking feeling that it is only a positive if I am lucky enough to be standing at the end of this journey with a healthy baby in my arms.  Otherwise this special insight that I have because of all we have endured, will be by far the most negative part of this battle yet.

A woman should never have to carry around an appreciation like this, for the rest of her life, if it is her destiny to never give birth to a healthy take home baby.

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