The first being my utter bitterness at those with pregnancy naivety and the second, DOUCHE NURSE!!!

I have found that I should probably not try to make myself feel better by feigning happiness while drinking at a bar to fill the void left by not being a mother after trying for so.damn.long.  I especially should avoid doing that with the woman who offered to be my gestational carrier so that I don’t offend her with my inability to not be bitter when a woman who is blissfully ignorantly about pregnancy says crazy shit to me like “well next time we do this, one of us or both of us won’t be able to drink!!”   I want to be a better person.  I wonder if menopause will change me back to who I used to be before all of this or only make me even darker?

And after attempting to be all fun and happy while drinking on Saturday, we taxied it home early Sunday morning and went back to Portsmouth on Sunday afternoon with the pups to wander about and pick up the car.  While eating dinner and relaxing at the only outside place that you can tie a dog off to a table and eat some decent food…

We were sitting there waiting for our food when this woman came up from behind me and said

“oh my goodness she is gorgeous!! May I pet her?”

Beaming at my dog like the proud pup mom I am, I say

“of course, I love her to pieces her name is Isla, she would love some more attention”

only to look up and see that the female voice this question had come from is none other than DOUCHE NURSE!!!!  I am sure my jaw hit the floor, and as she scoops my puppy up in her arms I see she is with her daughter  so I think to myself-be nice, be nice, be nice…but then she asks…

“how long have you had her?”

and I’m immediately so fucking angry at her I can’t even see straight (because it was right after this appointment –click here-that we both decided I was in desperate need of something to nurture) so of course the ‘be nice’ mantra goes right out the window and instead I say

“right after someone told me I should get used to the idea that having children isn’t in my future, so we thought heck might as well get another dog.”