DN: Oh ummmmm, I can’t seem to locate your file can you hold please?

Me: Yes

DN: Oh ok, so ummm why are you calling?

Me: (siiiiigggghhhhhhhh) Because I have this piece of paper here, that you gave me 2 weeks ago that says I am to call in on CD1 to schedule a hysteroscopy for this cycle between days 5-12.

DN: I can’t seem to locate why this was ordered in your file.

Me: That’s shocking.  Really, I’m very surprised.

DN: Do you know why this was ordered?

Me: My educated guess would be because on the morning of the baseline ultrasound done for my last medicated cycle–you know the one where you misread the ultrasound techs notes and thought that the baseline measurements of the entire diameter of each of my ovaries was actually measurements of cysts on each of my ovaries–and because of the enormous cysts and the 3 fibroids the tech also found in my uterus-You turned to me and told me I had a serious problem with cysts and fibroids and that you were going to cancel my cycle?   The only thing saving you from me was the fact that the tech overhead what you were saying to me and was appalled that you had screwed up so severly that she came running out of the back office to tell me that wasn’t the case whatsoever, that I had no cysts, just 3 small fibroids.  You then said-looks like you have 3 fibroids that are growing rapidly since they weren’t there on your last cycle…

DN: Yes, vaguely…

Me: Then I told you that they most certainly have been there for every cycle I’ve done at the center as I’ve known about them since my pregnancy with Ava in October of 09, as well as on the ultrasound post termination at Exeter Hospital in March of 2010.  So it must be because some of your ultrasound techs are more thorough than others that she saw them today and the last 2 techs have not.

DN: Yes but I don’t understand why there is another order for a hysteroscopy since you just had one in November.

Me: (Laughing out loud at her first) Yes, I’m not surprised at your lack of understanding.  Since I have now had MULTIPLE miscarriages while under your care, and I wanted to ensure that we have done every damn diagnostic test under the sun AGAIN before moving forward with a future medicated cycle, since this is my last natural cycle before I will be either stimming or doing an IVF round-it needs to be done NOW so that we have time to correct anything that may be in my uterus while I am still WAITING to take the RPL screen.

DN: Oh ok.  So what cycle day are you?

Me: Jesus.  The cycle day I am supposed to be in order to call in and schedule this per your notes.

DN: Oh ok so CD 1 is today?

Me: I wouldn’t be calling you otherwise.

DN: Well ummmm, looks like, ummmmmm the 2oth of June does that work for you?

Me: No, not really.  I would prefer that no doctor is shooting saline solution into my reproductive tract while jamming a camera through my cervix when I am 5 days past ovulation.  Hence the reason this piece of paper you gave me here says to be scheduled between cd 5-12.  So lets go ahead and look at one of those dates why dont we?

DN: Oh well, I’ll just call in a prescription for birth control pills and you can start them today and then take them until the morning of the 20th when your hysteroscopy is done.

Me: What in the hell would I want to do that for?  Im fairly certain I have told you on numerous occasions my plan is as always, NO WASTING CYCLES, PROGRESSIVE THINKING, AGGRESSIVE PLANNING.  I am not going to sit a cycle out so that I can conveniently fit into an opening on the 20th.  That nonsense doesn’t work for me, and it never will.

DN: Well unfortunately there are no doctors here between now and the 20th, and you wouldn’t be wasting a cycle-its only 19 days from now.

Me: First off, I ovulate like most women-on CD 14, so how in the world is taking birth control pills for the next 20 days that will prevent my ovulation not missing a cycle?  What the heck school did you get your nursing degree in?  I learned that back in sex ed in high school.

DN: Oh well I meant medicated cycle.

Me: Geesh that clears it up.  For future reference, I count every month I don’t have a baby in my uterus as a cycle, not just the ones where I am taking massive amounts of drugs as a cycle.  Actually, I suspect every damn patient in your practice counts every cycle.  I am on a natural cycle this month, just like last.  They count, because one can get pregnant on a natural cycle.  And about the doc not being there-that is not my problem.  I am the patient, I am following my doctors orders-which clearly state I am to have a hysteroscopy between CD 5 and 12 on this cycle.  If you are telling me that is not possible, then I am telling you I am not wasting this cycle so we can do it next month as long as I can have it done between cd 5-12 while I am stimming or while I am taking birth control pills for 2 weeks before stimming for IVF-as it will be one of those plans for next month.

DN: Oh well you cant have this procedure while you are stimming.

Me: So then what’s your solution so that we get this done sometime between next Monday and Monday the 13th?

DN: You’ll have to go on birth control pills and get this done on the 20th with Dr. G.

Me: Unacceptable.  I am fully aware that there is a hospital in Boston that is affiliated with this practice, that is full of doctors every day, who can do this procedure. I will wait patiently while you call there and secure me an appointment with one of them for this cycle between cd5-12.  Obviously with the preference of Dr. G, so that I can also talk with her since when I called in last week and requested an appointment with her for the 20th I was specifically told “No, Dr. G has no time available to meet with you on the 20th”-which , by the way I also find HIGHLY annoying since clearly, according to you, she has time to meet with my vagina.

DN: Oh you’d be willing to do that?

Me: What is this mental torture, am I not suffering enough here??  I specifically told you when I was miscarrying last cycle that there is nothing I won’t do in order to get things done in a timely manner-to include taking appointments in Boston, and with anyone who is available to see me ASAP-I don’t care who it is.  If a janitor can do my hysteroscopy-no problem, just tell me which broom closet and what time.  Please make no more mistakes in the future.  I know this is easy for you, because when you leave work, you go home to your house with kids in it.  I go home to an empty house of broken dreams and heart break-so I never forget.  I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t either.

DN: Um what number should I call you back on?