Just Ugh.  I haven’t been back here in so long because I have been avoiding all of this shit because it makes me severely frustrated, and sad.  So sad because I really do believe my chances of carrying a healthy pregnancy to term is slim to none and slim died last week.  I have so much to bring you all up to date on-I don’t even know where to begin.  I guess I will start with the douche nurse appointment on the 5th of May, the subsequent phone call I received in the afternoon while I was drugged up on xanax from DN after I lost my shit that morning and finish with the WTF appointment I had on the 16th of May which was essentially a waste of my time.

Even though I requested the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss workup after my miscarriage back in December (at that point I think everyone would unanimously agree I had had my second miscarriage considering how I was testing positive for pregnancy, and then I wasn’t before I delivered a healthy baby).  I was denied that request and even told “that there is no reason for alarm.”  I stupidly didn’t think to tell them I won’t take no as an answer to my request and to run the damn tests anyways, instead I believed them -I guess part of me wanted to believe them because then that means there is no reason for alarm, right?  At the very least I should have at least questioned them to see what would be the red flag that would have them alarmed enough to run this screen.  I hate myself for not asking that question because then I would have lost my shit 5 months ago and had the test done regardless of what they thought.

Turns out the reason they didn’t run the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) tests in December was because they didn’t consider my December miscarriage an actual miscarriage because in their opinion it was so early that it didn’t “count.”  Apparently a woman needs to have no less than 2 miscarriages, not 1 miscarriage and an early miscarriage-in order to be screened for recurrent pregnancy loss.  Even though I had had a prior miscarriage at 9 weeks before Ava, December’s miscarriage to them was a non event.  That piece of information that I was told on the phone by douche nurse after our last lovely meeting was enough to make me actually hang up the phone and throw up.

A non event?  A non mother fucking event?

That mother fucking “non event” sent me spiraling through hell-to the depths of which I still have not recovered and even put my shit on anti-depressants in an attempt to right myself.

When I reminded douche nurse of their current track record of denying me tests I’ve requested and they turn out to be wrong, and I turn out to be correct…like the hysteroscopy that I demanded even though they said “no you don’t need it”-that I had to fight to get an appointment for-which found a cervix full of scar tissue (score Brooke 1, Docs 0), and the miscarriage work up that I requested after the second loss in December that was denied which very well could have prevented last months #3 and #4 losses (score Brooke 2, Docs 0) she had nothing to say to that except that I could take a meeting with the doc on the 16th (again more waiting).

So I waited, thinking that there would be some magical something or other said to me to put my fears to rest and instill faith, but alas-no such luck.  In a nutshell we have to have tests run to find out 2 things…

1. Are our chromosomes fucked up and creating embryos that will miscarry because they aren’t chromosomally sound (in 1 in 20 couples this is the cause of their RPL).

2. Is there something wrong with my body that is essentially responsible for killing a chromosomally sound embryo every time it implants into my uterus of death.

Because of my history of 4 miscarriages and 1 pregnancy that was terminated because it was non-viable  (which as my recent research has sadly turned up-an issue with #2 above is actually associated with neural tube defects in pregnancies which is exactly what was wrong with Ava-her chromosomes were perfect) my chances of miscarrying the next pregnancy I have is close to 60%.  Great.

We have already had the chromosome testing done (still waiting on results that wont be in for 2 more weeks).  On the upside, if it shows that there is an issue with our chromosomes that is responsible for the RPL, because Ava had perfect chromosomes, we have proof that we can in fact make a healthy chromosome embryo.  We will be able to use preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) which is a way for couples to prevent a pregnancy affected by a genetic condition or chromosomal disorder. This form of genetic testing is insanely expensive and would be performed on our embryos during an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle. All of the embryos that are created after retrieval are analyzed and only the ones found to be normal are transferred into my uterus, where, hopefully, they will implant rather than miscarry and result in the birth of a healthy child (please for the love of all things holy and my sanity).

I am still waiting to be allowed to take the battery of tests to see if something is wrong with my body that is essentially responsible for killing a chromosomally sound embryo every time it implants into my uterus of death.  I am not allowed to have my blood drawn until I have been NOT pregnant for 6 weeks.  It looks like that date will be June 16th, as I am 12 days past ovulation now and currently not testing pregnant so I believe this cycle will end with my period.  It takes about 1 week to get the blood results back on this battery of tests:

-Antithrombin III functional

-Factor V Leiden


-Lupus Anticoagulant

-Antiphospholipid abs/anticardiolipin abs

-Protein C activity

-Protein S Functional

-Factor II DNA-Prothrombin Gene Mutation

Unlike the clean cut results of the chromosome test, (and an actual solution albeit expensive) the above screening can show various degrees of issues with my blood clotting and or immune system-but essentially to put it into easy to understand terms-unless I am fucked up enough to be allowed to take a blood thinner called Heparin as soon as I test positive for my next pregnancy, there is absolutely nothing that can be medically corrected to stop my Uohdee from its murderous rampaging.  I honestly don’t believe Heparin will help my ass as most docs won’t even fill your prescription for it until you are 14 days past ovulation-and for the most part Uohdee has already killed or begun killing by then.  But hey, what do I know?  The docs are always right, (score Brooke 2, Docs 0) aren’t they? Hahahahahahahahah.

So needless to say-that is why we left that appointment 2 weeks ago feeling that chances were very high that we are going to be that sad couple that has no kids simply because their shits fucked up.  That is why I haven’t had the heart to come back here an explain everything-cause once you put it out there you can’t take it back.  It was horribly crushing, and honestly, it still kinda is.  Although we have had a friend offer to attempt to carry a child for us, until she has been medically vetted and has the stamp of approval to be a gestational carrier for us and is 20 weeks pregnant with what appears to be a healthy baby of ours-I will spend more time than I will even admit here thinking that I will not ever have that experience that seems so easy for every other mother out there-of looking at her child and recognizing parts of her, her family, her husband or her husbands family as I raise that child for the rest of my life.  I’m sorry, but there truly is nothing that can replace that in one’s life.

Yes, I’m sure you can adopt-blah blah blah-but unless you’ve adopted a genetic offspring from your family that also happened to marry a part of your husbands family-there is no way to replace that.  I don’t just want to raise a child.  I want to feel MY baby move inside of me, give birth to MY healthy baby and spend the rest of my life raising MY child.  I want what I want, adoption isn’t what I want.

Just wish it was as easy for me as it is for every other woman out there.