Do you remember way back when we were kids-I had one, most likely there was someone in your family who had one or you neighbor-the Ant Farm?  It was incredible how they would spend all day and all night long working on those tunnels-only to have some asshole inevitably come along, grab a hold of that Farm and shake the shit out of it.

Wiped clean, all of that hard work, gone.

But as soon as the sand grains settled-sure as shit those little ants were up and moving.  On a mission to rebuild from the devastation-never once did you see one throw their little insect legs in the air as if to say “AWWW,  WHAT THE FUCKING HELL MAN?!”  Nor did you hear little teeny tiny ant voices telling the world off and throwing a tantrum.  They certainly didn’t pull out their Iphones and take to tweeting about their frustrations nor change their facebook status to “Rebuilding this fucking thing-AGAIN!”

Nope, none of that.  They just simply went back to building what had just got knocked down. Because they never know if this is finally going to be their forever tunnel structure or something that will just be obliterated in the very near future-they build it as best as they can.  Time and time again.  All of that time, energy and labor.  Over and over again.

That is exactly what I feel like.  Every month, every week of every month, every test during every week in each month…just waiting to be knocked down.  As soon as you stop for one second and survey what you’ve built and think “ok that’s great, this is going to work, this time, I’ve got it right…” you get a phone call from a nurse who grabs a hold of your farm and shakes your shit up.

I’m so tired of having my shit shaken.



Nurse called  this afternoon-my progesterone level is too low.  It was only 2.7 when they were hoping for something in the 4-5 range but would accept anything above a 3.2.  Chances are high my FET will be canceled because they claim I don’t have enough progesterone to support an embryo if it implants.

And the icing on this shit cake-because we were afraid of getting pregnant this cycle with high order multiples (hahahahahahhaa!!  such a ridiculous thought its seriously laugh out loud funnnyyyy!!! hahahahahah HHHAHHHAAAHAHAH) if both embryo’s implanted, we didn’t try to fertilize the egg that popped out yesterday in order to prevent possible triplets.

In an attempt to make every effort humanly possible to not have a wasted cycle-I was able to convince the nurse to let me come back first thing in the morning tomorrow for another blood draw to see if my level raises.  Since I am a slight control freak I tested for my LH surge every 4 hours so I was able to pinpoint my surge to mid day on Friday-which means at best I ovulated around 12am this morning.  But I could have possibly not released the egg until as late as mid day today.  Either way, 7 hours isn’t long enough post Ovulation to create the level of progesterone they are looking for-and especially if I didn’t ovulate until after my blood was drawn.  I was able to plead a strong enough case, so she agreed to bring me back in tomorrow to see what my level is at before canceling me altogether.

And again-I wait.

I’m so tired of waiting.