Because I’m in that age group that is now going to baby showers all the time instead of weddings and I hate giving people boring not unique gifts-every time I get invited to a baby shower-I make a diaper cake with whatever nursery theme the mom to be has picked.

Since REALLY wanting to be pregnant with my own baby and secretly wishing it was my diaper cake, for my baby shower I have made 3 diaper cakes for other women…

This ducky one


Then this jungle safari one

And this Pooh one


The last one I made was exactly one month after I found out I was pregnant and a month before my life turned to shit, so when I over estimated the number of newborn diapers I needed, I just put the partially empty pack and the full pack of baby diapers into the linen closest upstairs and thought “I know exactly what I’ll do with these in 7 months.”

This evening I went upstairs to grab the heated blanket from the linen closet (after spending 4 hours fighting with Cigna and Teldrug over the phone to get my $3182 worth of injectable drugs to make a baby with that were supposed to be here yesterday, overnighted to me tonight so that I can have them in time for my injection tomorrow), I opened the closet and was paralized by the sight of all those diapers.

Before I could even realize what I was doing-I had eased one of the diapers out of the open package and I was standing there in our big empty house, in front of the room that was *supposed* to be a nursery with a baby in it by now, with that diaper pressed against my face just inhaling the baby powdery scent and weeping.

Please, please, please for the love of all things good and right in this world-let this be my cycle so that I finally have MY chance for MY diaper cake at MY shower for MY healthy baby.