I am honestly not sure what in the hairy hell will.

This is serious business!  The clomid I took on cycle days 3-7 has done its job and made 6 follicles that are between 9.5mm and 13mm.  The 3 follicles that are 11mm, 12mm and 13mm in size (the biggest 3 of the bunch) will now all be stimulated nightly with an injection of follicle stimulating hormone to make sure they all grow to mature size.

Due to my lousy experience last month-I am honestly just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Deep down I just wanted to be relieved when I left the doctor’s office this morning with my crazy injection kit and bio hazard sharps box and the assurance from the nurse that we will not stop stimulating my follicles with those nightly injections until 3 of them reach 20mm in size-but all I feel is fear.

I am afraid that after taking all these drugs, and going to all of these appointments that at the end of this cycle I still won’t be pregnant.  The sense of hopelessness that has slowly crept into my mind of over the last 7 months will blossom into full on panick and doubt that I will never be able to make another baby.

The truth is, if this cycle is another FAIL after I made 3 mature eggs in 1 cycle and not a single one of them turns into a viable pregnancy, it will be impossible to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me.

As I am signing off on the papers that will formally prove that I was told in advance that using the injectable FSH in conjunction with clomid will increase my chances of having multiple eggs get fertilized in the same cycle-I wondered “is the universe cruel enough to actually fertilize all 3 of these eggs and have all 3 of them turn out to be healthy babies in 9 months?”

Because this answer is clearly yes, to go along with my fears of a FAIL, I am also afraid that I could end up with a fertility nightmare of the opposite spectrum-an extremely high risk triplet pregnancy ending in more loss or (equally horrific) 3 newborns in my house to take care of.

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