As I had stated in a previous post, seeing a fertility doctor hasn’t changed my outlook on the universe or restored my faith in the idea that I can actually get pregnant, have it go to term and end up with a healthy take home baby.  It has merely made me feel like I am doing everything I possibly can to increase my chances of that happening and to reduce the amount of stress and heartbreak that I shoulder at the end of each cycle when my period shows up instead of a positive pregnancy test.

Today as I sit here processing the Big Fat Negative super sensitive home pregnancy test and the 0.0 hCG count from my blood work this morning- I am feeling frustrated, angry, a little more doubtful that I will become a mom and oddly enough vindicated.  Magic hands Bertram failed to knock me up with my husband’s super sperm.

All I have to say to you Doc is….SEE I TOLD YOU SO!!!!  Ain’t as easy as you thought it would be hunh?  I know what you thought sitting there looking at me on the sofa last month…apparently fit and healthy 34-year-old female with normal cycles and a husband who has super sperm, piece-o-cake.  I’ll knock her up in no time flat.

Yeah, you failed!

You didn’t believe me when I told you I wasn’t fooling around these past 6 months.  This has been no joke.  I have been trying my heart out trying to knock me up, and you with your drugs, magic hands, and insemination failed too.  Not gonna say I told you so to your face, but boy Did.I.Tell.You.So!!!

In all fairness we did find out this cycle that I don’t have as many eggs on board as your normal 34 almost 35-year-old does, which certainly could make things a little more challenging and increase my chances of having more bad eggs in my slightly depleted kitty (remember, our best eggs are used up first).  So now that she knows she failed this cycle, and that my ovarian reserve is fair bordering on poor, she has gone back to the drawing board with my extremely well researched suggestions for my 6 month conception plan and will be advising me some time this week as to the details of her plan of attack for this cycle.

In the meanwhile, I will sit here this afternoon and allow myself just 1 day of pity and anger because of this ludicrous journey to becoming parents that I am on, while washing down my prenatal vitamin and additional folic acid with that beer I have been craving for the past 2 weeks.