what it felt like to be you.  You know, the old you, the you you were before you started your trying to conceive journey.  From the time we I really started getting serious about getting pregnant, it’s been a 14 month journey so far that has produced no live offspring and has completely eroded the old me.

Only you don’t feel it while it’s happening, so you have no idea that you are gone because you are spending every waking free moment trying to fast forward your life and every sleeping moment dreaming about the life you want.  Work is a blur, what you do on your nights and weekends is a blur and the things you used to do for fun now just get in the way of your mission.  My months were the same:

Cycle Day 1-4: Be really friggin mad because somehow I am not pregnant again and have as many glasses of wine and really stiff drinks to drown my misery as humanly possible, while secretly hoping it is the last time in 9 months I will be able to do that and pee with reckless abandon because I don’t have to hold it for any tests or in the middle of the night because I’m not taking any temps!

Cycle Day 5-10: Accept that I’m still not f’ing pregnant and busy myself with figuring out this months plan of attack so that social functions, work and visitors don’t  block us from doing the deed while I am most fertile, while checking my temperature every morning at 4:45am after making sure not to get out of bed to go pee or move about much past 12am to get the most accurate reading.

Cycle Day 11-13: Continue to torture my bladder in the middle of the night in order to wake at 4:45am to take my temp without having gotten out of bed and also pee on ovulation predictors after holding pee for no less than 4 hours (more bladder torture) at 5am, 12pm and 5pm in order to find out when my “surge” is while trying to coordinate Baby Dancing times with my husband that won’t exhaust either of us for work but still ensure that sperm is where it needs to be when it should be there.

Cycle Day 14-22: Continue the bladder torture so that I can get an accurate 4:45am temp to make sure my temperature is staying elevated (if it drops lower than where it was on CD 5-14 and stays low, chances are quite high that I am not pregnant, if it goes high and stays high, chances are high that I am pregnant).

Cycle Day 23-28: The key to these days is easy-hold your pee all the damn time and walk around mostly dehydrated so that I am not so damn uncomfortable all day and night.  Continue checking my temp at 4:45am and praying it’s still high, peeing on home pregnancy tests when ever I have had pee in my bladder for longer than 4 hours and constantly pushing on my boobs to see if they are sore yet, only to realize they are indeed sore but it’s because I have been poking at them incessantly for the past 6 days to see if they are sore so I have actually made them sore.  Swear and get really pissed off when my temp drops during the 4:45am check on CD 27 or 28 and go to the toilet and pee without taking a test because I know my damn period will be here within the next 24 hours.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

etc. etc. etc. etc.

That is why you forget.

I have realized over the last 6 days that it isn’t the actual fact that my chance of getting pregnant this month is now 45% instead of the lousy 20% of all the past months that has made me have an about-face.  It is the fact that I have given up all of the fucking shit above.  I am no longer the person who has to check, and guess and figure this crap out-it is in the hands of trained professionals, who quite possibly, want to get me pregnant more than I want to get me pregnant.

AND IT IS THEIR FULL TIME JOB TO GET ME PREGNANT!

At the end of this month, if I am still not pregnant, IT ISN’T MY FAULT!!!!  I can’t imagine what a cycle day 28 would feel like if I am not hating me for not getting me pregnant yet!

I pee whenever the hell I want and go to sleep each and every night knowing my fertility is being managed off site by trained professionals!  Now I spend my days, nights and weekends remembering what it was like to be the old me, enjoying the simple moments with my husband and drinking water like it’s going out of style 🙂

Pregnant or not this month,  there is nothing more that can be done  by me to get me there,  so I can simply relax and remember what it’s like to hold paint brushes and make art, walk through the downtown with my husband’s hand in mine enjoying the brilliant sun on a sunday afternoon and sleep straight through until 9am after going pee at 1am on a weekend and waking with head on my husbands chest instead of with a thermometer digging into my throat.

Oh I have my life back!

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