In case you were wondering how the Luck Hypothesis Test is going–17 days into this luck experiment, I am not feeling it.
I am not feeling even a tiny bit more lucky than I have through out this whole crappy 2010 year so far. As a matter of fact I even stepped in a wad of gum while bare foot and wearing this thing (maybe I should have looked for a gemstone that would have prevented treading through gum wad after all)??
I woke up this morning and thought, huh, had that baby actually made it-today is the day I would be headed home from the hospital to begin the journey of being a mom, and a family, in our own home. Instead I am drinking a large ass cup of coffee, and really regretting turning down all of those beers, glasses of wine and margaritas over the last 2 damn weeks while I was hoping I was pregnant, because my basal body temp dipped below the cover line this morning by a solid .3 degrees and confirmed yet again on another pee soaked stick that I am still not pregnant.
I am tired of the 2 week wait (the number of days between the time you ovulate until your period shows up if you aren’t pregnant). I hate that wait. 2 weeks is too long to go around EVERY SINGLE MONTH thinking you are pregnant and finding out at the end that you actually aren’t. That’s 50% of my life right now!!! Have you any idea how ridiculous this is?? I have spent 50% of the last 4 months thinking and behaving like I am pregnant for no reason at all. Social event after social event, hiding the fact that I am green with envy of all the moms with their kids and babies, and big bellied pregnant women-while drinking iced tea when what I really need is the stiffest drink possible. Because no one ever knew I was even pregnant. So instead, in their ignorance, these women say some of the most insensitive things to me-that I have to make pretend don’t crush me even more than seeing everyone around me have what I want.
I am tired of not being able to commit to any long-term plans because I don’t know if I will be pregnant or how far along I will be by then. I hate that in order for someone to see my perspective even if they have a child and know that I had a second trimester loss, that I would have to sit them down and explain to them why I can’t commit to driving 6 hours one way to spend a weekend with them in their house with their child, or plan a trip in March to Key West. Really?? Is it that hard to understand why I keep saying, we’ll see?? Ummm, geesh a woman who i know is actively trying after a loss won’t make any plans with me and my 2 year old daughter in the future, I wonder why?? Maybe I might be sad around kids and babies?? Ummm maybe if I am pregnant in the future and I committed to a trip, I wouldn’t want to be telling anyone and would be trying to conceal an expanding tummy and ginormous boobs, possible morning sickness and the fact that I am not drinking so that when something bad happens I don’t have to un-tell that news?? Guess those thoughts are too much to ask someone to come up with on their own, because she got pregnant on her first cycle trying and ended up with a healthy uncomplicated pregnancy-so apparently it is no big whoop. She only had to do one 2 week wait in her whole life. I have done 10 so far!!! And no less than 1 more to go!!!
Judging by their offended responses to us not committing to trips, I would say they have no idea that this period in our lives is by far the most challenging time either of us has had to battle through and that they just don’t understand. Another fabulous fact that comes about after your loss-no one understands what the heck you are going through unless they themselves have had a loss.
I am tired of being so negative. It feels so long ago when I was normal. And I wonder even if I am finally able to make a healthy baby if I will ever return to that normal place again, or if I am damaged and hardened so that this is my new normal? Blech!
On to cycle number 5 of trying since recovering from the loss. Recovering, ha! Still failing at that too I guess. I will give this charm one more cycle before it too gets tossed into the debunked pile.