Trying to sort things out after loosing a pregnancy that was far enough along that it not only looked like a little baby but that we knew that “it” was a girl-is something that has been catastrophic enough that we should qualify for aid from FEMA.  The very frustrating part is that men are wired differently. Although the loss was the same for my husband-he is completely oblivious to the destruction aftermath and sees no need for FEMA to come knocking on our door.  Only because no one walks up to a guy and says “so when are you going to have a baby already?”  Or “geesh-for a while there I thought you were pregnant, what’s up with you guys how come you haven’t started a family?”  All of these one liners are enough when you are seriously frustrated, sad and angry that you aren’t pregnant anymore to not only feel like a direct punch to the uterus, but sting enough to make you cry.  Its like you are in this intense game with a ton of spectators,  playing your heart out and yet no one notices you are even on the field.  I am here-I AM TRYING.  I AM PLAYING AS HARD AS I CAN BUT I AM NOT WINNING.  How very frustrating.

Since losing her there have been days that I actually have broken down in public and started crying and just couldn’t stop.  It is easiest to just be alone because normal things people say to you to try and comfort you annoy the hell out of you.  Trust me, the fact that you were able to make a baby/babies-will not give me any comfort whatsoever, because to me it’s just another person who can do what I have failed at which is frustrating.  I don’t care that statistically speaking next time everything should be fine.  Because last time, everything should have been statistically fine, and it wasn’t.  Don’t tell me I am young, I still have time-because I’m not young-I’m actually labeled as advanced maternal age at this point.  Each cycle because of my age, I have less than a 25% chance of getting pregnant even if I ovulate and there is healthy sperm waiting to fertilize that egg.  I don’t want to hear another person tell me if it was meant to be it will be.  Don’t tell me when life gives me lemons to make lemonade.  And don’t tell me not to worry, everything will be fine, because so far everything has not been fine.  As a matter of fact whenever anything had the option to be fine or not, statistically speaking when it has come to baby making I have always ended up in the not fine category.  So using my own personal trends I currently see that I should expect the not fine as my new norm.

This is why it’s easiest to just hide from everyone because those who know about it don’t know what to say to me unless they themselves have had a loss, and those who didn’t know about it say crap that hurts because they are unaware.

I have come to realize that no one is taught what to say to someone who is going through this, or any loss for that matter (#4)-so trust me I know you don’t know what to say or how to deal with me and that makes me feel even worse for putting you in that position.  A tip of advice,if you were to ever find yourself in this situation, always opt for anger especially when it comes to a woman who wants to be a mom and just hasn’t been able to make a healthy baby.  A good solid, “c’mon already and cut this woman a break!”  “I can’t believe this crap luck, man does this suck!”  Raging and swearing with a frustrated angry woman who feels that she has been robbed is always a safe bet.  Both of those responses are so much better than anything listed above and especially that sad pity look I’ve been getting lately.

Chances are close to 100% that anyone in my shoes is one frustrated and angry women, because truth be told I haven’t met one that’s not.  And the longer she’s been at it with multiple losses-the angrier she’s getting.  Especially when she is trying fighting to make her first child.  Because not only is there the pressure of making a baby, but there is also the underlying fear of what if I can’t make a baby?  She has no living proof that her body can indeed do this with the end result being a healthy baby.  The longer I go without producing a live healthy baby the more time I have to contemplate what could be my revised future without children.  What will my life be like with no offspring?  How will my husband handle staying married to me if it means I will bring him no heirs?  Try to ignore them all you want but each month when my period shows up instead of a positive pregnancy test-I begin to feel the life I have dreamed of slipping away.

The problem I am having right now isn’t the actual loss of the baby, it is the fact that Toto has ripped open the curtains and I have seen the less than wonderful man pulling all of the strings and working all the levers behind the curtains, and I just can’t help but pay attention to that man behind the curtains.  I know every very bad thing that can happen from issues with my own reproductive system all the way through the birth of a baby.  Mix those fears that I will have if i ever do get pregnant again in with the fears of never having children if I don’t ever get pregnant again and that’s one nasty reality check.  And sadly once you’ve been made aware of all the bad crap-you can’t make pretend like you aren’t.

I hate that if i ever get pregnant again I will always lead with I am “cautiously” excited because honestly I will think I am going to loose that one too.  I want to not have to feel compelled to say “if” I get pregnant.  Or “if” we ever have a baby.  I am truly angry that I have had my pregnancy ignorance taken from me.