There are a small handful of days that if I were given the ability to pay a hefty sum of money to have the memories of that day completely scrubbed from my memory (and those involved in it too) I would rob a bank in order to have it done.

Standing in the middle of the free weight area at 1pm in the afternoon on October 28th, 2009 I realized I not only felt a little light headed, but my boobs were also quite sore.  Doing a quick calculation I realized I was 12 days past ovulation-and although everything I had read said there was a minimal chance of getting a positive home pregnancy test before 14 days, I decided to test anyways at 4pm in the afternoon.

Absolutely expecting yet another negative test (it had been month after month of negative tests!!)-I was honestly shocked to look at that display that  read PREGNANT.

Although shocked-I certainly wasn’t unprepared!

I had hoped for this moment for 3 years, and 10 months prior to getting pregnant I had really thought hard as to how I would want to share the news with my husband.  In my mind, thrusting a pee covered stick into his hands really didn’t convey the right sentiment for the occasion, so after a few weeks of good thought…I came up with it!

My husband loves two teams-Dallas Cowboys and The Yankees-since we were shooting for a summer 2010 baby, Yankees would be most seasonally appropriate so I found an adorable newborn onesie, bib and booty set with the NYY logo on it.

I also picked up a book written for men by a man so that he could have the man’s view of what’s to come and packaged it all up into a box.  I hid it my closet, right next to my shelf with all my pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor tests that I purchased in bulk online to save money back in January (yet another thing women with issues conceiving have in common-we have stashes of tests so that we don’t go broke because we are so neurotic that we start testing at 9 days past ovulation and sometimes twice a day!).

I know, I know, right now you’re thinking-you bought that stuff 11 months before you were even pregnant??  Trust me-I had no idea it would be that long (#1).  Thought I would numerate all the things along this journey that I HAD NO FRIGGIN IDEA ABOUT, so any time in this blog that you see a number in parentheses-that’s why!

It sat there collecting dust and month after month giving me the cruddy reminder every time I opened that door that we still were not pregnant.  However, it was ok because the thought that if I got that positive test at 4am (which is very likely with my current commute to Boston daily for work) I would be prepared to deliver what I was sure would be the best news my husband had ever heard in a fabulous way!

My husband is incredibly sentimental, so it was important that the life altering moment I told him he was going to be a daddy was something that he would always be able to cherish.  The feeling I had going back into that closet to grab that box, and the kismet of timing that he was actually working from home that afternoon was incredible (it would have been real hard to sit on that news till 7pm)!

AT 4:10pm on October 28th with my heart pounding I put the dog outside (he’s not aware he’s a dog, he’s absolutely sure he is not only human but that his proper place in this world is to be wedged directly between my husband and me when we are talking) and then went up to his office to change his life forever.

I want need Mister clean to magic eraser this days worth of memories from our brains.  Because you can’t un tell someone news (#2).  There will never again be a moment as pure and beautiful on our journey to parents except the birth of a healthy baby, that will be as wonderful as the first ignorantly blissful time you tell your husband he is going to be a daddy-especially since it wasn’t true.  He won’t be a daddy in July.  I won’t be a mommy in July.  Instead we both are painfully aware of the horrid and sad fact that pregnancy doesn’t always mean a healthy baby in 9 months no matter how much pre planning you’ve done.  It is the fact that if I ever do get that next positive pregnancy test, it won’t be cause for celebration-it will be a moment that a tsunami wave of panic, joy, dread, anxiousness and fear will wash over my body because 8.5 months is a long time to go when you won’t believe something isn’t going to go wrong until that healthy baby is in your arms.

On top of the fact that I can’t come up with a new way to tell my husband the next time that I get pregnant that I am pregnant (maybe this time a pee covered stick is the proper vehicle)??  Perhaps first I should rub it all over the cement, then kick it across the back yard and then stomp on it a couple times to really get the point across??  We are in for a rocky, bumpy, dirty and anxious ride-even if it is a completely healthy baby because now we have emotional baggage, lousy memories and the past history of being in the very small statistic pool that has something horridly wrong with their baby that is incompatible with life.  That moment will never be the same again.

There will be no blissful pregnancy bliss for us, and I am really angry about that.

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