Becoming Parents

Still positive

Brooke — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 21:08:06 +0000

And no, I’m not talking about my cheery outlook on life.

Monday’s appointment (which was originally for a 1 hr glucose test to do an early check on me for gestational diabetes due to the steriods, and my normal 16 week check up) was useless when it came to learning anything about our baby having a possible neural tube defect. My OB was so sure that a re-test of the AFP was going to return negative results because she felt I was on the “early side” to have the AFP blood draw at 15 weeks 4 days- which supposedly increases your chances of a positive screen -so she pretty much poo-pooed every single one of my concerns and sent us on our way to wait for the results before discussing anything.

Fast forward 5 days and guess what? Yep I’m STILL screening positive for a baby with a neural tube defect and this time she did seem concerned, and apologized for being so certain the screen would be negative. But there is still nothing she can do (this office isn’t equipped to do L2′s so she cant scan us to give us some reassurance, all they can do is basic level scans ship us to boston for the big ones) which she would suggest to do at 18 weeks as that is the earliest you can get a good look at the babies structures-which would be this coming Thursday. So she offered to call boston and get my L2 moved up for us and then i reminded her that I had already scheduled my L2 for the earliest possible date-and that I would be there at 18.1 weeks which is this friday. She did say she felt that if we do have a NTD that it most likely will be on the smaller side, and since our L2 is early he might not be big enough to definitively rule out a NTD on Friday so I should mentally prepare for the very real possibility that we might have to have a repeat L2 between 20-24 weeks, when the baby is big enough, to finally know for sure if he has a NTD or if its my placenta that’s the culprit. If Friday’s scan turns out to not be able to give us a good look at the baby and the placenta, I will be heading down to NYC to meet with a perinatologist who specializes in fetal placentas and sonography for the repeat L2 and hopefully some fucking answers because I’m about fed up at this point.

And because that can’t be enough shit to deal with (on top of the mental baggage I have to carry around due to my history)-I also tested positive for gestational diabetes. In fact, my blood sugar level was so high, I don’t even have to do the 3 hour glucose tolerance test, I get to skip right over that fun and go direct to finger sticking and monitoring my food intake for however many more weeks I am pregnant.

I can’t even put into words how ridiculous all of this is because I have never been less sure that this is our take home baby than right now-and even though I haven’t purchased a single article of clothing or nursery thing yet, I stupidly gave a 6 week notice at work 2 weeks ago (between motion sickness, second trimester all day long sickness and not having done ANYTHING in this house to prepare for a baby we decided it was best for me to give up the job and the commute while I still had some time before I would be too pregnant to do anything) and of course purchased a mom vehicle that I didn’t really need unless I was going to have a baby (while I was still employed so that I could get financing).

So here I sit with the potential that I might lose this baby too and soon to be jobless with a new car payment for a vehicle that can constantly remind me I’m not a mom.

I think I should have just bought that damn onesie instead.

Arrrgggh!!!!

Brooke — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:51:20 +0000

I just spent 45 minutes succinctly trying to tell you what the hell is going on with me only the have internet crash on me and have wordpress not auto save any of the damn post.

The only thing worse than going through this is writing it all out-because then it’s for real. The only thing worse than that is going through this, then writing it out, only to have it deleted so that you have to write it out, all the fuck over again!

And now the crib notes version because I have to run-

1. Ive been MIA the past 2 weeks because I am freaking out because I have a HORRIBLE feeling about what we are going to find out from the AFP triple screen and the Anatomy Scan on the 24th so I have been staying away from blog world and keeping busy and mostly making pretend I’m not pregnant.

2. It didn’t help keep the bad away, turns out my horrible feeling was spot on my OB called me yesterday (yes that’s right her, not her nurse) to inform me that my results of the AFP came back and that I screened positive for a Neural Tube Defect.

3. Now I’m truly freaked the fuck out as there are really only 2 reasons for elevated AFP and that is a baby with a neural tube defect or a placenta that is damaged and thus allowing AFP to leak out at abnormal levels. AWESOME.

4. Current plan-OB wants to do another blood draw and test me again to make sure the levels are indeed high. We have an appointment with her on Monday and although not scheduled, we will not leave without an ultrasound to make sure baby is the right size, the amniotic fluid levels are ok, to check on the uterine and placental blood flow as well as to see if there are any visible signs of a NTD.

5. And then we can decide if we need an emergency appointment with the MFM ,who I despise, in boston.

So there you have it. Not the post I wanted to write and certainly not the post you wanted to read. But hey, what the hell did you expect with my history??

Pregnant With FiscaBabyBoy: 13 Weeks

Brooke — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:04:20 +0000

Far along: Thursday January 19th, 13 weeks.

Food aversions: None, same likes and dislikes as last week-nothing too crazy.

Food indulgences: Still sticking with the olives, yogurt and mineola oranges-not all at the same time but they are all pretty much on my mind at some point in the day.

Doctors appointments: Monday January 23rd at 13 weeks and 4 days I went in for an ultrasound to measure my cervical length to ensure I don’t have a incompetent cervix and also to get a nice detailed look at your brain due to the massive MFM fail 2 weeks ago. You looked perfect and you currently have my nose:

and my cervix was within normal length-so all around another good appointment.

Most memorable moment: Seeing the nurse on my way in to the ultrasound and her saying “omigosh! you definitely have a little baby bump going on now!” And she’s right. Ain’t no denying that. I can’t suck it in down there any more.

Most anxious moment: A week without one. What? Did I just type that? Yep. Nice anxious-less week finally!

Things purchased for the baby: Nothing. I also feel like a loser typing that-mostly because I know there is a ton of stuff I would be purchasing now that we are out of the first trimester if I were normal but due to my damage- you get nothing.

Milestones: Week 13 is complete, I’m still pregnant and according to this doppler you’re still alive-so we are on our way to being the most pregnant I’ve ever been if you keep this up!

Best. Card. Ever.

Brooke — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 14:33:42 +0000

My 94 year old Grammy still lives on her own, which is what you do when you were born and raised in Maine because you don’t have enough money for assisted living and you can’t imagine waking up and not being in the house you bought 70 years ago.

This woman has an upbringing that makes you direct as all get out, say things without the filter (sometimes good and sometimes bad) and loves me to the ends of the earth. She isn’t PC and publicly says that I am her favorite grandchild to not only her other grandchildren but her kids too. Now granted this is earned-I have always made sure that no matter where I was or what was going on that I visit with them, send them letters, never forget her birthday and in general attempt to love her as much as she loves me.

Grams struggles every day with missing my Grampy who passed back in 2002. I don’t blame her, that man was extraordinaire-the very first car I bought I drove over to their house to show Grampy and he IMMEDIATELY popped the hood and taught me how to change my own oil. Then he gave me his wrench that fit the oil plug, a drip pan and a funnel and told me to bring him the dirty oil every time. To this day I still have that wrench in my glove compartment, while it doesn’t fit I simply can’t part with it.

Her sadness is palpable and has gotten worse over the last 2 years as she isn’t able to travel more than 20 minutes away from her hours without feeling nervous that she is too far away from a familiar bathroom. This really sucks as I live about 40 minutes away from her so she won’t get in my car and come over no matter how hard I beg for Thanksgiving, Christmas or any reason-I live outside her comfort zone which really breaks my heart.

She has mentioned on many occasions over the past 2 years that she is “ready to go” or that she has “outlived her body” and that she hasn’t “got much to live for anymore. ” And every time she has said that crap as I’ve sat at that table in her kitchen, I’ve wished I could give her something to live for. To be able to tell her that I need her to stick around because I’m going to have a baby and they need her to rock them while she’s holding their little feet and give them the Grammy love that I know changed me for the better.

Only I couldn’t. I could never share the happy news of my pregnancies-because I was afraid they would break her heart and only make her more sad. So I never told her, not once about being pregnant or losing Ava or any of the other shit that has happened over the past 2 years-that is until a week before I left for New Jersey in October. I finally came clean and told her everything and we cried while she cradled me in her arms and just like that everything was ok.

We stopped by to see Grammy last Friday after our 12 week ultrasound and took the gamble to finally share our news with her. She was of course thrilled, and scared as she doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me. She also informed me that she wasn’t thrilled with my commuting to Boston daily for work, nor the fact that I was working while pregnant. Given my history she felt it was better that I stayed home and just rested and not tempt the fates. She also grilled me on my diet and water consumption as well as my sleeping. I believe she did this no less than 4 times over an hours visit.

Apparently she felt I hadn’t paid enough attention to her wishes, so yesterday I am going through the mail from the week and see an envelope with my Grandmothers very distinctive writing so I open it up and here is what she wrote:

Best. Card. Ever!!!!

Just when you think you hate everyone

Brooke — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 13:06:38 +0000

I won’t lie I was really beginning to get worried. There wasn’t a high risk MFM doc, OB or nurse that I had encountered over the past 6 weeks that I didn’t hate. And it wasn’t basic hate, it was hate based out of fear. Fear that they weren’t paying attention to the details and thus would eventually let something important just slip by that in the end would be a contributing factor to me losing this pregnancy.

My fear is that they simply have no vested interest in keeping me pregnant to ensure that I get to keep this one. Because at the end of their day no matter what happens to me, they drive home to their house filled with babies and children. They won’t be forced to live a childless life if I don’t stay pregnant.

My gamble on going back to the OB who did my D&E with Ava 2 years ago paid off big. She had not only read my file, but had also reviewed the notes her nurse took when I met with her last week-BEFORE she walked into the room with me.

Say what?

Yup.

Get the eff out.

Nope. True story.

She came in knowing everything-except what had transpired at the crap ass nuchal appointment on friday-and was clearly not impressed when I filled her in.

We talked, she asked questions, I asked questions, I posed scary scenarios that I think in my head, she went along with scary scenarios and came up with solutions that would debunk the scary scenarios and in the end I walked out of there with….

# 1. A bandaid on my arm from the Rho Gam shot because I have been bleeding all through out this pregnancy and am RH- while hubby is RH+ so apparently I should have had this shot back in November BUT NO ONE PICKED UP ON THAT AT THE FANCY SCHMANCY HIGH RISK PLACE.

# 2. 6 booked appointments over the next 4 weeks to check my cervix to ensure it isn’t incompetent and for the Triple Screen to detect NTD’s.

# 3. An RX for Lovenox that will get me through 27 more weeks of pregnancy because as she so succinctly stated “I have no interest in taking you off Lovenox at all, why mess with what is clearly WORKING?”

# 4. A bottle of glucola for the 1 hr glucose test I will be taking at 16 weeks due to being on steroids for the last 4 months she wants to rule out an early on set of gestational diabetes.

# 5. (And most important) A general sense that this woman actually gives a shit.

The downside to all of this (of course there’s a downside, there always is), and the reason why I didn’t just booked with this OB in the first place-If I make it all the way to delivery, and have a natural delivery, chances are roughly 20% that for delivery I will get the OB in this practice who I despise for really doing me wrong on three separate occasions during my pregnancy with Ava. I don’t trust her, her opinion and definitely hate her.

The upside? I am hoping that if I get that far, I can convince my OB that after 38 week of gestating this baby in my body (that I clearly just don’t trust) that it’s probably FAR better for everyone involved that the baby be OUTSIDE rather than in. So maybe she will be amenable to making a schedule (based on her on-call shift) to take me off of the lovenox and then bring me in 24 hours later to be induced.

One can only hope.

Pregnant with FiscaBabyBoy: 12 Weeks

Brooke — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 20:39:36 +0000

Far along: Thursday January 12th, 12 weeks. You are roughly the size of a small lime and just a touch over 2 inches long right now.

Food aversions: None really, but definitely have a preference of types of foods during the day-especially morning. I have found that first thing in the morning I crave yogurt and oranges. I can eat other things but no other food seems to satisfy if it’s not a cup of yogurt and a Mineola Orange.

Food indulgences: Olives. WTF. I’ve heard of pickles-but Olives? And not even the kalamata olives that I’ve always loved, I’m currently in love with the green ones stuffed with pimento.

Doctors appointments: The Nuchal shit show was at 12 weeks 1 day which made me VERY sure I wanted nothing to do with that MFM. Then my first prenatal OB appointment was at 12 weeks 5 days at my local hospital. You looked good at the Nuchal, and you sounded good at the OB appointment and since the OB actually seemed to care about you-we’re hoping she gets to assist me in bringing you into this world (would be great if you would stick around long enough for that to happen)!

Most memorable moment: Seeing you at 12 weeks and being in awe at how much you have developed from the space suit wearing moon walkin baby at 9 weeks to a little man who has brain parts, ribs, fingers, toes and discernible face features. In that same day, we also told Grams about you. Your dad and I secretly hope you will arrive on her birthday giving her not only something to live for, but the best birthday present ever!

Most anxious moment: Realizing that the high risk doctor was completely unorganized and absolutely incapable of offering the care we deserve.

Things purchased for the baby: Christine sent you another charm for your bracelet to mark your 12 week scan. The charm is called “inner peace”:

Wish I had more of that!!! After your 12 week ultrasound I caught your dad in Baby Gap looking through all of the little boy clothes-and especially this onesie:

Which oddly enough, prior to running to the bathroom while your dad was in the dressing room, I had picked that same onesie up and walked over to the register to buy it-but then had a panic attack so I had to put it back. All I can say is I tried.

Milestones: We’ve made it through the first trimester and now I have begun to have not only all day long sickness, but insanely sore boobs. I am beginning to believe you didn’t read the book “what to expect while you are expecting” before taking up residence in my uterus-you seem to be a little off with your timing.

Unconventional First Trimester Screen

Brooke — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 18:15:44 +0000

There are 2 parts to this screen, the first is a blood draw where they look at the levels of hCG and PAPP-A that the baby is making (abnormally high or low levels are typically scene when the baby has a chromosome anomoly) and then they do an ultrasound to measure the gap in the back of the baby’s developing neck and also look to see if the baby has a nasal bone. Babies who have a larger gap in the back of the neck and no nasal bone present at week 12 might have a chromosome issue. If something appears out of the norm in either portion of this screen, the doctors will give you what they are guesstimating from these 2 portions are your “odds” of having a baby with a chromosome issue and encourage you to have an amniocentesis to find out, with much higher accuracy, if this is the case.

On our first meeting with the MFM doctor we informed her that we had done CGH testing on our embryos which gives a full report of all 23 pairs of chromosomes on every one of our embryos (unlike PGD and PGS which only looks at a handful of pairs so you could still have a baby with a chromosome issue using those forms of tests). Since we know what we transferred was 46xy (23 complete sets of chromosomes) there was no reason to fret that our baby would have a chromosome issue which is the main thing this first trimester screen is looking for. When we told her this last month she had suggested skipping the blood work portion of the first tri screen (why subject yourself to odds and stress when you know your baby’s chromosome count already) and had suggested instead to just do the ultrasound portion where SHE PERSONALLY would do an indepth look at the brain, spinal cord and heart to help set our mind at ease about congenital defects and especially neural tube defects due to what happened with Ava.

We of course thought this was a fabulous idea. However between that appointment and friday’s appointment all of that shit was clearly forgotten. When we arrived, the tech NOT THE MFM DOCTOR) was an hour late doing our ultrasound and then spent 20 minutes of what I thought was her looking at the brain but then realized it was just her trying to get a good angle to measure the gap in his neck-before saying “I’m not sure of this measurement, let me grab the doctor” and left the room. I looked at my husband like “what the fuck is going on in here” when the MFM doc walked in. She then proceeded to immediately take 3 measurements of the gap in his neck (roughly 60 seconds) and then turned the machine off and said “he looks super, has someone already taken your blood today?”

At this point I wanted to punch her in the face, but being half naked kinda takes all of your authority away. I angrily remind her of our first meeting, and what her plan was for today and told her we were here to have YOU look at our baby to see if YOU could spot any early signs of NTD’s. She then said “he looks healthy, I don’t see anything”-not because she went back in to look again-merely to placate me. She then asked if I had any questions-and even though I had a half a dozen about the tapering off of progesterone and steriods, as well as the glucose in my urine test from my OB’s that I had them send to her to see if I needed to do a 3 hour glucose tolerance test or if she thought the steriods might be the cause, and monitoring of my cervix over the next 3 weeks to rule out incompetence-I quickly said “no, I need nothing further from you” and got up to get dressed.

Our baby has a nasal bone. Our baby has a gap in the back of his neck measuring 1.2mm. Our baby doesn’t have downs syndrome-but I knew that before I even knew I was pregnant. He is measuring a couple days ahead-coming in at 12 weeks and 3 days with a heart beat of 172bpm. It didn’t look as if there was anything wrong with him so for now we’ll have to say he’s perfect.

I am keeping EVERYTHING crossed that on Tuesday, when I meet with my local OB who had to do my D & E with Ava 2 years ago and tell her what has happened since then, that she might find it somewhere in her soul to dig out a little compassion and perhaps treat me with the care that I deserve. Her nurse didn’t bother wasting an hour of my time last week while doing my intake interview telling me how to behave while pregnant and just said “I’m sure you know all of this, I will put all of this in this folder and you can look at it, or throw it away if it stresses you out.”

Now I am not sure if that is because after I handed her my printed out pregnancy history and detailed medications list and she stared at me in disbelief so I simply stated-”when you have seen so many doctors and nurses and no one remembers your history and can’t seem to locate my files regardless of how many times I’ve sat in front of them, it gets emotionally exhausting having to talk about my dead babies over and over again so I find it easier to just print this out every time I meet with one of you.”

Her response was “I can’t imagine, but it must be hard”-to which I responded “yes it is, especially when your front desk just DEMANDED that I pay the 10% deductible TODAY for a global delivery fee of a baby that isn’t due to come until July-when I honestly believe right now I have a better chance of waking up in July with my face sewn to the carpet than walking out of here with a live healthy baby. I am taking this pregnancy 1 day at a time and just hoping to find a doctor who will listen to my concerns, and remember who I am, even if that means they just have to read my file before walking into the room with me. I’m not like everyone else in your waiting room, I dare say I am probably unlike anyone else in your current practice-all I ask is that I am treated that way and not like the masses.” The nurse didn’t say much, which is fine, I would prefer that. Now let’s see if she communicated any of this to the OB. Here’s to hoping that Tuesday’s appointment will be unlike any that I have gone through thus far.

In Memory

Brooke — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 09:31:21 +0000

I can’t believe it’s been 2 years since we lost you. The pain is so sharp at times it feels like it was only yesterday. After dreaming about what you would look like, and how amazing it will be to have a little girl in such a male dominated family-it feels so foreign to think that my first experience as a mom here on earth won’t be to a tiny precious baby girl, but maybe to a baby boy instead. In some ways it preserves all of those memories for only you, in others it makes me miss you even more.

Ava I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.

Anywhere I go you go, my dear.

Pregnant with FiscaBabyBoy: 11 Weeks

Brooke — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:31:55 +0000

Far along: Thursday January 5th, 11 weeks.

Food aversions: None yet.

Food indulgences: Just the usual.

Doctors appointments: None for you this week, but after spiking a fever of 102 (at 11 weeks 5 days preggo) even though I had just spent 4 days in bed nursing what I thought to be a cold with tylenol (does that crap work for anyone??!! man i could eat those like pez and they do nothing)…I pulled out the “I’m pregnant and I have a fever” card on my primary doctor which got me seen 2 hours later. Yep, not a cold. Absolutely a nasty sinus and ear infection.

Most memorable moment: Nothing new or exciting this week to report-just really like listening to you on the doppler. You are so active in there its nuts! I can go from getting a nice loud rhythm to nothing and then a few seconds later-bam you’re back again. Glad you are showing that UOD of mine you could care less about it and instead are clearly partying your little 2 inch hiney off in there.

Most anxious moment: Another lovely bleed. I promise you I will not forget these and for sure will be grounding you-probably until you are like 30 (if I get to keep you )for these shenanigans.

Things purchased for the baby: Because of you-momma got some new bras, tanks tops and a pair of pants so that I can continue to look like the fattest Fitness Director ever without being quite so white trash obscene.

Milestones: This is our last week in the first trimester, 1 down, only 2 more to worry through!

Shit my doctor says

Brooke — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:54:55 +0000

Oh-I see you did chromosome testing on your baby before embryo transfer so we can skip the blood draws to look for chromosome abnormalities in this pregnancy but still do the First Look Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound so that we can get our first detailed look at his anatomy…

“…but wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out to be a girl??”

Ummmm no you asshat, it wouldn’t be funny-as that would mean the baby I’m carrying isn’t MY baby because they would have had to transfer another couples embryo back to me for that to happen-it would actually be *completely* devoid of humor-it would be a fucking nightmare.

Cue the crickets….