Yeah I bet you thought I was all done with this. Not so much. However as of today-I am.
I have no more FRER’s, no more Detect 5’s and the internet cheapies are so not impressive that I get no assurance by peeing on them. Actually-that is the problem with being more than just a little bit pregnant-you can’t really use things you pee on as an indication of how things are going once the test and control lines are close to the same color.
This week totally blows-no betas, no ultrasounds, nothing to pee on, nothing to help keep me from thinking the worst-and actually next week-I have to wait all the way until THURSDAY to get another look at what’s going on in my UOD.
2 whole weeks with out any checks and balances.
A lot of shit can happen in 2 weeks. I try not to think about the times I was sent home to “grow” Ava for 2 weeks (on 2 separate occasions) only to have there be not good news when we returned. I need there to be good news next week. I need my world to not come crashing down on me just before Christmas-exactly as it has the past 2 years.
Please let me FINALLY be able to tell my dad when he comes over for Christmas Eve that I’m 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant with his first grandchild- (and that everything this time looks as it should be). Yes that’s right the entire effing world knows I’m pregnant on the internets, my husbands family, his coworkers, his friends, my friends, my boss-but not my dad-not anyone in my family for that matter.
Please don’t let me be high on xanax and chuggin wine like water on Christmas like last year, or waiting for impending doom like the year before. Anyone who has experienced that hell once, should not EVER have to repeat it, never mind a 3-peat.
I can at least entertain you with things I’ve peed on while we all wait.
These are my last 3 FRER’s, top one was taken on Monday when I was at 1980hCG, middle one was last Saturday’s test, and the bottom one was last Thursday’s (so 48 hour difference in between each of the tests). There seems to be lots of variation of thickness and intensity of the test line-so these aren’t providing any reassurance that my levels are still rising nicely rather than holding or plateauing.
And here are the very boring Internet Cheapies that haven’t done a whole lot of anything over the past 6 days…
And that’s all I’ve got. Sorry, wish I had more
After my 5th time being pregnant with a low and slow rising beta that brought me through repeat beta limbo hell while staring at stupid pee sticks wondering if the level was holding, rising or falling based solely on the color of the damn line and all of which ended in miscarriage I stumbled upon this…
“The Detect5 Progressive Pregnancy Test is an
exciting (very heart wrenching especially when you are testing positive on the 100hCG strip and expecting a beta over 100hcg- because of this damn test- when you go in for your beta 24hours later only to be told your beta is 49) innovation in home pregnancy testing. By measuring 5 different levels of the pregnancy hormone (hCG) on one test stick, Detect5 provides you with a more complete picture of your hCG status than has ever before been available in a non-clinical setting.”
How is Detect5 different from a “regular” home pregnancy test?
Traditionally, home pregnancy tests (HPTs) have performed one simple, yet important, task: a HPT will tell you if the levels of pregnancy hormone (hCG) in your urine are above or below a single established threshold (typically about 8 hCG). If your level is determined to be above that threshold, a positive result is displayed and you can safely assume that pregnancy has been achieved. For example, a pregnancy test calibrated to detect 8 miu/ml hCG will yield a positive result when hCG levels in the urine exceed the 8 miu/ml level, and it will yield a negative result at levels below that threshold.
In short, a traditional home pregnancy test will tell you if you are pregnant – but nothing more. In the above example, a woman with a urine hCG level of 50 miu/ml will receive the same result as a woman with a urine hCG level of 50,000 miu/ml – two lines on a pregnancy test.
In contrast, the patented Detect5 Pregnancy Test is designed to provide you with a more comprehensive picture of your urine-based pregnancy hormone status. Detect5 actually consists of 5 different pregnancy tests on one test stick, wherein each of the tests is calibrated to a different sensitivity level of the pregnancy hormone, hCG. The five levels tested for with Detect5 are:
25 miu/ml (shows a faint pink but very visible line at 30 hCH):
100 miu/ml (shows a faint pink but very visible line at 30 hCH):
500 miu/ml (shows a faint pink but very visible line at 400 hCG):
Again-an untweaked photo showing that this test strip absolutely has a second line and thus according to detect5 I am currently at 2000 miu/ml of hCG. HOWEVER being that not one of their previous levels have been accurate-I am going to guess that I am probably more like 800-1000hcg on my beta test tomorrow.
10,000 miu/ml- I didn’t even bother dipping this level yet based on the barely there line from today’s 2000hcg test.
So there you have it-I am currently 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, at this point in a normal healthy pregnancy a woman who is my age would have a beta level of roughly 3349 hCG-I am somewhere between 416 and maybe possibly at 2000hCG.
26 more hours.
Pray for no less than 1200hcg so that I can get off this stupid beta watch and finally be allowed to schedule an ultrasound.
Someone one get me one of these…
Because I have no idea how the hell I am going to get through the next 60 hours of my life staring at these effing pee sticks willing them to look darker every day while bleeding (AGAIN!!!) for the next 3 days without the ability to use alcohol or xanax.
Here, you try…see any difference in the stupid sticks over last three days??
And when I say difference-I mean monumental difference-IF he is healthy and a take home baby, we are supposed to be at the stage where we are doubling from 416 hcg every 48 hours-which means these shouldn’t be subtle jumps anymore-we are talking hundreds or thousands of points difference in 48 hours-these pee sticks aren’t showing that at all.
I am not reassured.
I am panicked.
You know when the nurse says, “the doctor will call you as soon as he can” that you are in fact in limbo and that most likely it ain’t great. My hCG levels aren’t high enough to have the general feeling (backed this time by my doctor) that this could actually turn out to be a viable pregnancy after all…but they aren’t low enough to say that it is time to stop the pharmaceutical support either. I am absolutely in limbo.
We are currently at 165 hCG (a normal healthy pregnancy would be no less than 400 at this point) which is the highest we have ever been since Ava-and finally enough to produce a pee stick that looks like this:
Yes, what you are seeing isn’t a tweaked optical illusion-the test line is finally darker than the control line. I screwed up though and wasn’t very specific with my wish for a dark positive pregnancy test-I should have specified the day that I needed to have that test by. Ugh. I just wish this was 4 days ago.
There is absolutely nothing we can do but wait-and of course our wait is screwed up by the holiday because after 12pm on Wednesday I can’t get beta results until Monday the 28th. So we wait until next Monday for a repeat beta, or 2 days of pregnancy tests moving in the opposite direction-which ever comes first.
With my track record, the beta will be just high enough that the docs will want me to continue with the drugs and get a repeat beta in a week while also counseling me during the same conversation about potential ectopic pregnancy symptoms but no where near high enough to have the feeling that this might be my take home baby.
I am also certain that there are 4 very important landmarks that are ALWAYS seen in pregnancies that go to term and give you a healthy take home baby…
1. A beta higher than 110 on 14dpo (This one was a FAIL)
2. A beta number that continues to double every 24-48 hours (This one is a FAIL)
3. Having a beta at or above 1200 hCG by 5 weeks gestation (Thanksgiving) (This one is going to be a FAIL)
4. And the last but most important one-being at or above 6000 hCG by 6 weeks gestation-which for me would be December 1st-not without a miracle.
It was my hope that this pregnancy we could FINALLY meet those 4 landmarks so that I might be able to not worry every minute of every hour of every friggin day if my UOD is going to again take away my dreams-because holy shit is this exhausting.
There truly is nothing worse than being betrayed by your own body.
that I’m not able to even attempt to believe this pregnancy is our take home baby.
We’ve been here before, and I still have multiple spare bedrooms upstairs.
Sadly it’s looking like we’ve been EXACTLY here…
We’ve been less than here, and also had that not work too. Once we were even more than here…so long ago I can’t hardly remember, and that didn’t work either.
You see, sometimes you forget that I’m not like regular women who get to rejoice when they see two lines after an IVF cycle because that means they have a baby in their uterus that they get to see in 8 months. But I don’t forget.
I am the exact opposite. I pee on things ALL THE DAMN time and see 2 lines-but one is ALWAYS faint and I never get to keep the maker of the faint. Just sayin.
Yes, I am still barely pregnant. I realized this cycle that I don’t even equate being pregnant with actually having a baby in my uterus. Being pregnant to me is merely a short lived event during which my pee can turn a test line ever so slightly pink. Perhaps there was a screw up and rather than putting in 2 blasts, he transferred a pink crayola marker? Who knows really.
Maybe if one of our last 6 pregnancies ever made it to an ultrasound (rather than just making faint lines on a pregnancy test) so that we could see with our own eyes SOMETHING in my my uterus other than a marker, I would believe different.
Maybe if my progesterone wasn’t at a 6, at the same time my hCG was at a pitiful 49 and my body hadn’t been bleeding for 3 days I would feel differently. But it is what it is. My test strips are still faint, they haven’t increased in intensity in 72 hours-which is indicative of a beta that hasn’t increased either-and honestly I don’t give a shit if you know someone or read about someone who got a take home baby with a beta that low-because, well, I don’t.
I know someone who got nothing x5 with a beta that low-so chances are high thats the route this is going too. Would I love to be wrong? You can bet your fucking ass I would. Have a been wrong yet? Nope.
Am I a bitter, broken, emotionally threadbare, really fucking pissed off, unintentionally habitual aborting, quasi pregnant infertile who abhores that my new reality gleaming on the horizon is that I will NOT EVER be able to carry a pregnancy to term in my body? Yep, you bet.
After last nights positive digital pregnancy test, I woke this morning and expected to see a nice pink second line-never thinking for one second that it would be dark-but at the very least a visible to the naked eye pink line not in need of tweaking to be seen in a photo. Bet you all did too hunh?
Well, I was wrong. And very, very, very crushed.
This mornings tests is in fact LIGHTER (after a l.o.n.g.e.r urine hold with NO liquid intake) than last nights barely there line test that somehow gave us a positive digital reading with the same urine sample.
This is simply awesome in a real bad way.
Thousands of dollars more than our last IVF cycle and we don’t even get to see 2 pink lines?
Anyone got an extra 30K in their sofa cushions?